Save The Dates & Babies All Up On My Fridge!

1 Oct

September was a crazy month and I’m slightly happy it’s over. Don’t get me wrong, it was an awesome month. I love September because it’s basically still the summer. But this past September reminded me that I’m getting kind of old. I’m only 25, so I’m not really that old, but in 5 years I’ll be 30, and that disgusts me. Nothing against 30 year old’s…I just have Peter Pan Syndrome (I don’t want to grow up). Like, if Peter Pan were a girl named Molly who liked a good buzz on the weekends and wore more black because it’s slimming, and dressed up like a slut every Halloween, I’d say we were twins.

But yeah, this September made me feel old because I went to a couple of weddings and got invited to even more weddings. Like here’s my fridge circa last month:

Lots of Save the Dates and invitations and children (plus a picture of me and my best friend in prom pose and some Boba Fett magnets). And for those who don’t know what a “wedding” is, it’s this event that occurs where you pay like 40 thousand dollars to feed all your ungrateful friends, then they watch you fuse your soul to another person’s soul, then agree to maybe create more money-grubbin’ souls after fornicating, and if you break these vows you recite at the wedding, your other half dumps you or vice versa and you find yourself watching The First Wives Club and Richard Gere movies until you die alone, and then you’re are damned to hell for an eternity. Sometimes during the process off all of these that occur after the wedding you get fat. Sometimes you don’t get fat though, and all your friends quietly resent you. So yeah, that’s what a wedding is… just the most loving and beautiful event.

But anyways, I went to some weddings in September and they were all good fun, minus Barney getting a video of me dancing like Elaine Benes at one of the receptions. A reception is the event that happens directly after the vow exchange. The reception is when you overeat like you would any other day, and then dance to annoying songs you hate, like Cotton Eyed Joe, but you don’t care because you’re drunk and think you look like Jennifer Grey post rhinoplasty. Back to my point though, weddings make me feel old, even though I’m not. And I don’t like feeling old at age 25, when my mentality is that of someone who is 17 years old. Catch my drift? So I guess I’m just asking everyone I know to lay off on the weddings for at least 17 more years. I’m not mentally prepared for anymore weddings. And while I’m at it, no more babies either. Because I procrastinate with baby shower registries and then I’m stuck getting all the small shit and throwing it in a basket and it looks ghetto. Plus babies don’t even really like me, and my mom friends’ availabilities change, which is inconvenient for me. To everyone who already has a baby or who’s wedding I already RSVP’ed “yes” to, that’s fine because I love them and their current babies, but let’s just draw the line here for now and wait until I’m ready for you to have more babies and weddings. Maybe this sounds selfish, but you have to remember that I’m unmarried and have no babies except for Boba Fett (my parakeet), so I’m pretty much as selfish as they come, and I don’t see that changing for at least another 34 years.

Alright then. Glad I got that off of my chest. Now here’s a picture of Boba keeping cool in front of the air conditioner: FIN.


2 Responses to “Save The Dates & Babies All Up On My Fridge!”

  1. Kayla October 1, 2012 at 7:18 pm #

    Speaking of this- I need your new address for our new Xmas card this year

  2. Mel C October 1, 2012 at 11:32 pm #

    This is perfect. Just perfect 🙂

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