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My Worst Childhood Nightmare Has Come True.

10 Oct

Something terrible has happened. Like, my worst childhood nightmare come true. My family has gone to Disney World without me. No invite. Just up and left me to my own devices. Like I’m some functioning adult who is capable of making her own PB & J on Wonder Bread with the crusts cut off. And my sister has the audacity to post pictures of their Magic Kingdom adventure all over Facebook. So rude. I can’t think of anything worse. All of the following combined doesn’t even add up to the sadness that I feel as my parents, sister, and niece are riding the Rockin’ Rollercoaster at MGM while I sit at work with a sore throat:

  • Stepping on a Lego. Or Polly Pocket. Or Megablocks. Shit HURTS. Nothing makes an F-bomb pop out of your mouth faster than when this happens. 
  • Getting a Barbie that you already have in your Happy Meal.. Oh hell naw! I already have a set of Bride Barbie triplets! I wanted spinster Barbie! This is WHACK!
  • Getting the shack, Radio Flyer as a car, and not marrying Leonardo DiCaprio in a game of MASH. Not my ideal life. Even worse? Your best friend gets Leo AND the mansion. Bitch. 
  • Being too poor to afford Camp Waziyatah. Asa can afford it and he’s an ass clown! I thought Bug Juice came from who you are, but my mom just serves me Stop & Shop brand Kool-Aid, so I guess those lyrics are a farce. 
  • Enjoying Where the Sidewalk Ends, only to look at the back and see that Shel Silverstein is fucking terrifying. Dude is the stuff nightmares are made of when you like 9 years old. Could he not have picked a more child-friendly picture? 
  • Not getting home in time on a half day Tuesday to watch Rescue 911. Those reenactments were priceless. Especially the one when the kid jumps off a swing and lands directly on the path of a moving lawnmower. Or the little boy who’s sweatshirt gets caught in an escalator. Shit was INTENSE (the kids survive, calm down angry moms! Well, there was that ONE episode when the teen dies from huffing). Thanks for the memories, William Shatner.
  • Realizing that Judy Blume was kind of  a pervert. Don’t believe me? Read some excerpts to find out who Ralph is.

So yeah, mom, dad, Katie, my 7 year old niece who will remain anonymous…if you’re reading this: the least you can do is get me a souvenir. And I don’t want a shitty Mickey Mouse pen or Goofy key chain. I want a life size statue of Tinkerbell made of solid gold that you can wind up and plays “Hakuna Matata” and sparkles in the sunlight, and moonlights as a Belgium chocolate fountain and pours me wine. If not, I’m kidnapping the dog.

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2 Responses to “My Worst Childhood Nightmare Has Come True.”

  1. sarah kane October 10, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

    My family did this to me, but I was 2 years old. They thought I was still too young and with five older siblings, I guess my 2 year old ass would be a pain in the ass. Funniest part was, my mother dropped me off at my grandmothers (not even the favorite gramma) and told me she was going to the store for bread! Then proceeded to go to Disney and come back a week later, sans the fucking bread.

    This is completely true, every bit of it. My mother will back it up. My family is whack ! haha

  2. mcdonuts October 10, 2012 at 4:02 pm #

    1. I would fucking DIEEEEEEEEEE if my family went to Disney World with out me! I am the one with the addiction to the place.

    2. I was, no lie, thinking of rescue 911 today while driving in the pouring rain (which of course stopped the minuet I get in the house) and the episode where the babysitter lets the little kid in the kitchen because she needed a knife to open their new VHS. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! You can’t peel of the plastic? That shit aint no DVD with the tape that NEVER comes off so you end up opening one end and pulling the dvd leaving a fucking scratch, just hope that skip is during a preview for the new Disney movie coming out in theaters fall of 2010. Anyway yea the kid comes running with the knife and the idiot babysitter sent her running back with the huge butcher knife only to run into her younger brother and stab him through his blue feety pjs. I wouldn’t pay her her $1 an hour after that.

    3. Bug Juice Rocks… Period…

    4. Mash totally predicted my future. I always got a shack, minivan, and Joey McIntyre. Ok well the last one might be a tiny bit off.

    Oh and I would leave them Legos all over the place when they got home.

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