Rule Number 5,973 of Dating: Fuck off, Bro.

15 Oct

I was perusing the Italian food section at Stop and Shop yesterday. Newport Avenue, as I have PTSD from working at the Southern Artery Stoppy in high school. You know, real housewife of Quincy errands. I typically text while carting, and stopped dead center in the aisle when I got a text from one of my girlfriends (she is coincidentally the same one who writes the Second Wives Club blogs). The text was in the form of screenshots from some guy that she met at the Seaport (click on the images if they are too small to read):

I died laughing for a good 30 seconds. That doesn’t seem like a long time, but it is when you’re blocking people from the Boboli at Stoppy on a Sunday. Un-fucking-real. What doesn’t this guy get?! She responds once to politely say she’s not interested, and he goes psychotic. Not to mention these texts were sent after she ignored 5 of his calls and 5 of his voicemail messages. Went totally over his head. Besides the “capisce?” at the end, my favorite part of this whole thing is when he basically says that if she changes her mind, and he is still single, that he would still consider taking her out. Like, what?! Are you stupid?! She JUST turned YOU down! Not the other way around, bro. Like you said, balls in her court. And she shot that ball in the face with a machine gun before you made it to text #17. Which leads me to rule number 5,974 of dating: NEVER refer to a female as “hotpants”. Ever.

At least he had the common courtesy to delete her from his phone. I was starting to  think he might be a serial killer or something. Tactless.

Got funny/insane dating stories? As a boring person who is in a perfectly healthy serious relationship, I love to hear awkward date stories. Send them to me at!


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