My Favorite Passive Aggressive Response

23 Oct

There’s nothing more annoying than passive aggressiveness. Especially when it’s passive aggressiveness via email/text, because you just don’t know when you can’t hear the tone. Doesn’t it suck when you respond to something that you thought was passive aggressive, only to find out that it was not, thus making you look like a total psycho? Happens to me all the time. I get super defensive and write a bitchy five paragraph essay in reply, adding more the longer they don’t respond to my response, then the person who sent the initial message is like “Woah. I wasn’t mad. You took that totally out of context, but why don’t you tell me how you REALLY feel?!”. And I’m all, “My B! Let’s just pretend I’m on my period or something and forget that ever happened. Looooove you! Drinks sometime this week?”.

Happens all the time. But sometimes we can feel the tone right through the text. We know that we are on the receiving end of attitude or sarcasm or whatever. And that’s when we need a good comeback. Everyone always says that ignoring the person is the best form of punishment. I disagree. I believe in sending a short sentence, or question in response. Or even just the letter “K”. It’s so infuriating to people to get a text with just the letter “K”. You know it. It’s like, why did you text me that? I guess it confirmation or just acknowledgement. But fuck that. Spell out the whole work O-K-A-Y! Or add an additional comment that is actually meaningful afterwards. Like, tell me a joke or something. Just tell me you didn’t make me almost crash off the Neponset River Bridge because I read your useless “K”. Because that’s bullshit. But when we are talking about passive aggressiveness, it is totally cool for you to respond with a “K.”. I  give you permission.

My absolute favorite way to piss someone off is in question form. When someone is being a dick to you, I want you to just respond with “Are you alright?“. That’s it. Are you alright? Because asking if someone is alright when they are being dickheads implies that you are implying that there is a cognitive impairment that is prohibiting this person from making any fucking sense. It’s just so rude. If you find yourself at the first battle in a serious word war, and you want to emphasize your question you can always add an ellipses to the front of it (not after the question, as the person may believe that means you are looking for a response because you give a remote fuck). So your conversation will look something like this:

Dickhead: Thanks for stealing the bag of coke from under my mattress. I know it was you, you’re the only one who knew it was there.You’re a grimey douchebag and if I ever see you again, I’m going to light you on fire and throw you out of a window. You will die. Say good bye to your pet.

You: …are you alright?

See? Perfect! Now if this example were your real life situation, this dickhead would just get really angry at your response, thus making him/her look like a coked out crazy person who needs a quick fix to end their rage. And you look totally innocent. It’s awesome!

“Are you alright?”….works every time! Try it out yourself!


One Response to “My Favorite Passive Aggressive Response”

  1. sean connery's ballsack October 23, 2012 at 6:09 pm #

    …are you alright?

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