Making A Gingerbread House Is Bullshit.

26 Nov

Saturday night Ryan and I babysat his 5 year old sister. We both like to use babysitting as an excuse to act like children ourselves, so Ryan broke out the Lego’s and I purchased a gingerbread house kit. This is probably kind of depressing, but I don’t think I ever made a gingerbread house as a kid, so I was pretty excited. Sad, bro. I know. I had a couple of friends over, so we all gathered around my kitchen table and started building. I can’t even begin to tell you how disappointed I was. The icing is supposed to serve as an adhesive. It does not. It just makes the gingerbread building process a lot stickier. I guess that’s the fun of it? Well maybe kids like to be sticky, I don’t remember, but I personally think being sticky is bullshit. No me gusta.

So anyways, I also thought that doing a fun holiday activity was supposed to bring people together. But instead, I just got angry and started throwing the blame around. Ryan tends to take over activities pretty quickly, and in my opinion he really wasn’t using enough icing. So I was yelling in his ear while he was gluing and my friend was holding the house steady. I was like,  “Let me do it! I used to be a cake decorator!!!” (by ‘cake decorator’ I mean that I worked in the Stop & Shop bakery and wrote ‘Happy Birthday’ in shitty cursive on the pre-made cakes when I was 16). All the while, his 5 year old sister is just sitting there in silence, staring at us and taking it all in. At one point, I was literally just standing there blowing on the icing to make it harden. No dice. Ryan got so frustrated he threw in the towel and took his sister into the other room to decorate the tree instead. Finally I was able  to take over. At this point the house was stable enough for me to focus on the roof. The example on the box shows a Martha Stewart-esque candy house with an icing roof and icing icicles hanging over the windows. I take a plastic knife and start coating the roof with a shit-ton of icing. You guys might think that squeezing those icing bags is easy, but it’s not. I almost got carpal tunnel after 1 minute of roof work. Then I took a plastic knife and started trying to smooth it over and make it even. It looked like shit.

When I was ready to stick the roof on the structure, I added some more icing to the sides of the gingerbread. I stayed really steady and placed the roof gently over the house. Then I held it there for a few moments to secure it. Then I pulled my hands away slowly as I held my breath. Next thing I know, the piece of shit is folding in on itself. I decided to give up and watch Home Alone.

I guess there was really no point to this story other than to say that group activities that involve icing adhesive do not bring people together. On the contrary, they make people very angry. I mean, I don’t want to be a totally downer, especially around the holidays, but it’s true: making a gingerbread house is bullshit. It’s as bullshit as when 1 light goes out on a string of lights and ruins the entire set. It’s almost as bullshit as Lindsay Lohan portraying Elizabeth Taylor. Although, I have to admit that I have yet to see an actress chase pills with vodka as naturally as she did in the premiere of Liz & Dick last night. But that has nothing to do with anything. So let’s just stick to coloring eggs at Easter and stop trying to be artsy.
Sigh. I’m going to be such a crappy mother someday…


6 Responses to “Making A Gingerbread House Is Bullshit.”

  1. ihatemostpeoplebutilikeyou November 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm #

    well that sucks! I was totally going to purchase that last night at stoppies for $15. Now that you’ve posted this review, fuck that noise! (I myself did not build gingerbread houses as a child either) Maybe gingerbread people decorating is more up my ally.

    • Molly November 26, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

      Yes! I would def do that instead! The house shit is for the birds.

  2. Mel November 26, 2012 at 5:51 pm #

    This is so true!! I got one for my niece (3) to make on Thanksgiving. I as well, never made them as a child. So very excited I was too. It was a lot smaller than yours, (House and sleigh from xmas tree shop express) As I was trying to put one piece, the other would fall… I ended up making it how I wanted rather than the pictured directions explained. Every time my niece would put something on the roof it would move, and I would get frustrated, and need to push it back together. Everyday since last Thursday, I would still wake up and find it starting to separate, and again I would have to push it together. Needless to say, It only just decided it would be dry today when I checked on it. Next time I am just using a glue gun.

  3. Wendy A November 27, 2012 at 3:45 am #

    Go to Ginger Bettys and buy the ‘decorating kits’ and decorate a yummy, soft cookie with real frosting and candy instead! My kids and I build these ones every year (trick is to assemble the house in advance and it needs to ‘set’ before you can even think of decorating it). It always looks crappy, but the kids love it. You cannot eat it…ick!!! Ginger Betty’s on the other hand…….

  4. cel December 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    hahaha this just made my day!! i just laughed out loud so hard alone -_- … haha so glad i found this page!
    all thanks to my trashy fb status ;]

    • Molly December 4, 2012 at 3:58 pm #

      Anddddd thanks for being a good sport! Feel free to send in any trashy statuses you find, too. I pick on everyone.

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