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Cover Letter Template For Recent Grads To Copy & Paste

30 Nov

One of the worst things pretty much ever is the chore of writing a cover letter. So I made a template for recent college graduates to use. It’s kind of like Mad Libs, just fill in the blanks and shit. As for the rest of it, just  go with it. You’re welcome.

To Whom It May Concern:

I saw an ad on ______________.com for the _______________ position at your company, and think that I would be a great fit it. I am a recent college graduate of ________________ University/College/community college/technical school, with a _____________ degree in _____________. I know what you’re thinking: the degree that I have is a dime a dozen, or too Liberal Artsy, or beyond the qualifications of the job, or not up to par of the educational background you are looking for at your company. But before you make a decision about whether or not to hire me based on my education, let me take a moment to tell you a little bit more about myself. This way you can get a feel for the kind of person I am, without judging me solely on my decision to major in a subject that required little complex math, or chemistry, or writing, or reading, or whatever downside is included in my education.

I have listed all of my skills on Linked In, but I will elaborate on the ones most related to this position in this cover letter, since noting that I know how to use Microsoft Paint in my online profile seems a little juvenile (plus I feel like I’m committing a humble brag when I add skills to my list). The first thing you should know about me is how determined I am. Maybe this is because I’m an _____(insert your astrological sign here)____, but who even knows what the fuck that means or if it’s real or not? Anyways, I am so determined, that I tore myself away from The Steve Wilkos Show for 20 minutes to sign up for Linked In. You can take a look at my profile, but please don’t judge me for my lack of connects, as my former colleagues/friends are also at home watching Maury.

Not only am I determined, but I have professionalism that will woo even the douchiest of executives. To relate this to my Linked In profile again, my professionalism is so existent that it caused me to crop the beer bottle out of my hand in the picture I chose from Facebook for my professional avatar (my use of the word ‘avatar’ really tells you how technologically legit I am). And it seemed like a no-brainer to do this cropping. Someone without professionalism, might have to question the cropping of the beer bottle. Not me. Professionalism enthusiast, bitch!

Perhaps my most important quality is my integrity. Assuming that ‘integrity’ means honest and moral, because I don’t like to rely too much on Google, I can assure you that my integrity is up to the standard of Fox News’s integrity. Just kidding! (unless you frown upon being humorous in your workplace, in which case I am serious). My integrity is STRONGER than their standard. Meaning, that I don’t lie or purposefully give misinformation with the intent of swaying the masses for the sake of my personal benefit or political beliefs. Translation: I am honest and moral. Example: I once received incorrect change after purchasing a can of Coke from 7-11, and almost walked out the door, until my internal integrity told me to leave the extra quarter on the counter, and put a penny of my own in the ‘Leave a penny/Take a penny’ tray for good measure. Moral as a mother fucker, if a mother fucker were moral.

You might be thinking at this point that you won’t find a better fit for your company than me. But just when you thought I couldn’t be more of a dream come fucking true, I am about to tell you yet ANOTHER skill that I possess. Yes, another skill. And that skill is the fan favorite of resumes everywhere: multi-tasking. Your company needs someone who can get a ton of shit done at the same time. That’s where I come in. I’m here to plagiarize Wikipedia for a project you give me, but not obviously enough to caught, while I answer phones and transfer them to the first random department that comes to mind at the same time. I once worked on a Powerpoint (yeah, I know how to make a slideshow with up to a million slides, complete with stock images of office supplies and question marks) while watching True Life: I Have Tourettes, laughing, and stalking my friend’s ex- boyfriend’s new girlfriend on Facebook at the SAME TIME. Me: revolutionizing the art of multi-tasking one click of the mouse and remote control simultaneously at a time. Sounds like the perfect motivational poster/meme you’ve ever heard of, right?

In closing, I would like to add that on top of the skills I just listed, I also am a pleasure to have in the workplace. How? Well, sometimes I play light-hearted and work appropriate pranks on April Fool’s Day. Doesn’t get much more pleasurable than a prank on a national prank day. I can also break the realms of the most diehard firewalls, to ensure social media and entertainment websites will be a fixture in the shared work environment! Pleasurable as FUCK. If you want to know anything else about me, I am going to go ahead and assume that you will look me up on Facebook. I  give you the 100% go ahead. And I swear, that just because there are zero status updates, wall posts, and only 1 photo, doesn’t mean my settings are really private. As stated in the above paragraphs, I am just really professional (see paragraph about my Linked In profile for more professionalism examples).

Thank you for taking the time away from probably your 17th game of solitaire or perusing the Lands End website on company time to review my resume! I look forward to hearing from your automated do not reply email, followed by a follow up email 6 months from now stating that a candidate more qualified than me has filled the position! I really appreciate it!

Love Always & Forever,

___Your Name Here____

Self-Certified Multi-tasking/Professional/Pleasurable/Integrity-filled/Determined Ass Bitch

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One Response to “Cover Letter Template For Recent Grads To Copy & Paste”

  1. Sister Mary Clarence November 30, 2012 at 9:15 pm #

    I used this exact same letter and it got me in at St. Francis as their new choir director!

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