The Elf On The Shelf Is A Creepy Little Bastard.

4 Dec

So last year around Christmas, I was at my mom’s and saw this creepy ass little elf doll staring at me with these big bug eyes from a wreath in my living room. “What the hell is that shit!?”, I yell out to my family, who is probably not listening per usual. My sister tells me finally, “It’s the elf on the shelf! Isn’t he cute?!“. Ahh that would be a negative. The thing is stuff nightmares are made of. He looks like Pinnochio if Pinnochio wore the jumpsuit that Latex Man wore in season one of American Horror Story, except that it’s red fleece. He has a smile that rivals Jared Loughner’s mugshot. Just overall a creeper. As I stared at the thing, I half expected him to come alive, his head turning around 360 degrees without blinking, creep smile in tact. But no. This isn’t fucking Toy Story. the+elfI walk toward the wreath to examine this creature more closely. I extend my arm, reaching for the elf. My niece, who was 6 at the time is busy coloring or playing Operation or playing Play Doh or murdering ants with a magnifying glass or whatever the hell it is 6 year old’s do when they are sitting on the ground. She comes out of nowhere and attempts to give me a Clothesline From Hell, screaming bloody murder “DON’T TOUCH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”. My ears bleed. ‘Woah, take it easy, BRO!‘ is what I probably said. Or maybe not. But she proceeds to tell me that if you touch the elf that the magic goes away. I ask how the elf got on the wreath. She tells me that the elf is basically a spy who goes to the North Pole at night to narc on the naughty kids, then returns in the morning and scurries for a new hiding place to continue watching. “What a dick”, I thought to myself, probably out loud. Okay, so this is Toy Story, except with a pervert/rat who peeps on children. Gotcha. So, upon telling me what the deal is with the elf, I start to think to myself that it’s a really cute idea. I often think that I never want to pop out any kids because I’m a selfish monster of a human, but the elf on the shelf could very well change my mind, since I love pranks. And it’s awesome that kids really believe that the elf comes alive and is magical and blah blah. So cute. I kind of want an elf to call my own, but it would be pointless because Ryan doesn’t believe in God, let alone Santa’ish stuff, and my pet parakeet could give a fuck less. Sigh…

I guess I could give you moms out there that read me some ideas that I have for elf on the shelf placement, however. Here is what I’ve come up with so far:

-Make small lines of flour on a child’s vanity or in a dollhouse. Cut a straw into a very small (elf-sized) sniffing device, and put the elf in a face plant position in the flour. (Elves LOVE mischief!)

-If the elf is a male, put him in Barbie’s room, in Barbie’s clothes, maybe some hot pink hooker heels. It will teach the kids tolerance from an early age. If they love and accept their beloved elf’s differences, they will likely be more accepting of real life human cross-dressers.

-Douse the little elf in ketchup, then sprawl him out face down. Outline his body in chalk, and use remaining ketchup to write “snitches get stitches!” on the wall next to him. It will teach the kids all about murder and open up the conversation for them to learn about the judicial system, while the rules of the street regarding narcing is also reiterated.

-Touching on the murder theme again, write “REDRUM” in lipstick on the bathroom mirror. Prop the lipstick up against the elf, so it looks like he/she is holding it. If your child can’t read, make them watch The Shining, so they’ll understand a little more.

Once you’ve sufficiently scared the shit out of your child, you’ll be able to rest assured that you will never have to take part in a tradition ever again, plus they’ll learn things. Because that’s the goal with children, right? To have as little traditions as possible? And for them to learn while having fun? God, I’m so out of the loop when it comes to parenting!

But on a serious note, I think it really is a cute thing to do with your kids over the holiday season. It’s nice to see moms having a grand old time uploading their clever elf on the shelf pictures, while I scroll through my newsfeed from my Iphone at a bar.


9 Responses to “The Elf On The Shelf Is A Creepy Little Bastard.”

  1. Caitlin December 4, 2012 at 12:56 am #

    I love Elf on a Shelf! Mainly because I get to act like a child and put it in ridiculous places/poses for my daughter to wake up and laugh at. Also, because she actually believes he is doing it himself and gets mad when he leaves a mess for me to clean up. How rude! :-p

  2. Rachel December 4, 2012 at 1:13 am #

    The Elf on the Shelf is not only creepy as fuck, but it is the epitome of lazy parenting. Just do your job as the parent, and teach your children to behave themselves.

    • Heather December 4, 2012 at 10:17 pm #

      I don’t think it is lazy parenting it is a tradition or game that allows children and their parents to play at Christmas time to share the magic!

  3. phishyprod December 4, 2012 at 2:46 am #

    Yah…mine tortures us and the kids.

  4. slinskey816 December 4, 2012 at 2:58 am #

    This is all phase one of an intricate elf plan to enslave humanity. THEY NEED TO BE STOPPED!!! WE NEED BLADE!!!

  5. Deannafin December 4, 2012 at 4:06 am #

    I couldn’t even read the elf suggestions out loud…I was literally crying I was laughing so hard. HAHAHAHAHAHA I love you : )

  6. Deannafin December 4, 2012 at 4:09 am #

    Oh and we have elf on the shelf and I’m the worst…He stayed in the same spot for 4 days straight and when Andrew asked me why he didn’t move I told him he must have a really good view there… oops

  7. Terry L. Tyson (@terrytyson) December 5, 2012 at 12:32 am #

    I always thought the little elf was nothing but a magic stool pigeon. My parents would move it from room to room where it was always spying on us. I hated the little bugger.

    I made a pact with my younger brother and sister that we would get rid of it…because it was a doll and it could move from spot to spot under its own power. I saw those Twilight Zone episodes with talking dolls and the like. We KNEW what they were capable of.

    We finally got the courage to grab it (wearing gloves as to potentially not get any elf magic on us), dug a hole in the back yard and buried the little dude.

    When mom and dad somehow discovered what we had done, (my little sister could NOT keep a secret) they dug it up and put it on the mantle.

    Again, we were scared beyond words.

    My siblings and I figured out that the only way to get rid of a magic elf was by burning it. Plans were made but were once again foiled by parents who actually listened to their children’s chatter.

    Dad finally put an end to it all by storing it away for the season, never to return.

    We believed, brother. We believed.

    • Molly December 5, 2012 at 12:35 am #

      Hahahaha I love this! Thank you for sharing!

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