The Drive By

6 Dec

One of the most infamous girl moves: The Drive By. You know you’ve done it. Driven by the house of the guy you like with one of your girlfriends. Or alone. Sometimes, when bitter, you might even egg said house as you drive on by. Or if you’re like me, chuck rubber dick erasers from Amazing Adult Video Express on his front porch. Perhaps while screaming something insane: “EAT DOG FOOD AND DIEEEEEEEEEE MOTHER FUCKER!!!”, or something more simple and obscure like “KAAARRRMMMAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, etc. If he happens to be walking to or from his car as you are driving by you have to come up with a quick excuse as you are screeching your hoopty to a hault, “Oh, hey! You live here?! That’s SO funny! I was just going to the ATM 29 miles up the street from here! SMALL WORLD!!!!”. But really. Come on, it’s messed up when a guy calls us psychotic, but deep down, we all are a little bit psycho. We know it. And that’s okay. At least we aren’t serial killers, like men are. We are cute psychos! As long as no one sustains a permanent injury, crazy can be funny. I have a friend who used to do drive by’s on a guy she was seeing who wouldn’t get serious enough with her to be an official “boyfriend”. We would get coffees, then just drive around the Boston area aimlessly. She’d weave in and out of different sections of the city, go in crazy directions, just not even thinking about her destination as she chatted about how she stuck his toothbrush in the toilet the last time she saw him because he was dead to her and she didn’t even care about him anymore. No matter which street we went down, or how far we were, it always led to this guy’s street. It wasn’t even her fault, it’s just instinct. And then the speed would pick up. And next thing I knew, we were drive by’ing this dude’s place. Adrenaline pumpin’, ice in our coffees rattling when we went over potholes. And then it was over. After the creeping, we would analyze where he could be if his car wasn’t parked outside. Crazy? Yes. But when you’re single and his Facebook is private, you do what you can to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Girls are the best at creepin’. They will break down fuckin’ firewalls to get the information they need. Kind of ironic that females don’t want to send a text first, but will stalk a guy’s whole life by driving his house, no?

I don’t care who you are. ALL FEMALES HAVE DONE A DRIVE BY. And I’m confident enough to say that all females have done at least 1,976 drive by’s by age 19. DON’T LIE. Own the insanity. Because no matter what psychotic antics us females have gotten into throughout our lives, at least we don’t do the weirdo/sadist shit that men partake in. Jeffrey Dahmer. Chris Brown. Elf on the Shelf.

Note: One of my friends actually had a guy tell her to “eat dog food and die” after having a falling out. In the off chance that he is reading this, thanks for the inspiration…you fucking psycho.


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