Christmas is on Steroids

10 Dec

rock em sock em robots

Okay, so I officially feel old saying this but it’s true, Christmas is on steroids. I guess it has been for awhile, but I never really thought about it or gave a shit, and would honestly get annoyed at people for constantly pointing out the obvious (eg: “Christmas is SO materialistic/commercialized!”). Maybe that’s because I don’t have kids that I am expected to spend my life savings on annually, only for a non existent fat dude to take all the credit. Maybe it’s because I only care about myself. Who knows? I am just blown away by how ballsy kids are nowadays. I was a lucky little girl, my parents hooked my siblings and I up for Christmas. We thought it was pretty awesome when they got a “family” gift for us to share when I was in the 3rd or 4th grade – a brand new desktop computer to play Ski Free on (which by the way is a totally pointless game, there is no getting around the Yeti, I just Googled it). I mean, what else were you supposed to do on a computer circa 1996 besides fist fight over whose turn it was next and play Ski Free? Beats me.

But anyways, the biggest things on a kids’ wish list back in the 90’s are now what kids consider stocking stuffers. I’m not talking about some chocolate, maybe a gift card to Friendly’s to use on half day Tuesdays. Stocking stuffers are now what I begged Santa for back in the day. Take American Girl Dolls for example. They used to be a HUGE deal. Not anymore! They are really just dolls with overpriced clothes. I had Kirsten, maybe I wanted to be blonde or something. My sister had Samantha. We cherished these bitches! Little girls now have at LEAST 3 of these dolls. What do you even do with that many AG dolls?! Their hair alone is too high maintenance to have 3 of them! Maybe this is a question for parents out there but how does one human even have the ability to love more than 1 thing?! My inability to care for more than one expensive doll is why I don’t have children yet! (Totally kidding, kind of). Having that many AG dolls just cheapens the whole AG doll experience. Last year my then 6 year old niece was invited to an American Girl Tea Party. Every girl in her classroom was invited to a classmates house for a tea party with their AG dolls. This one poor little girl (literally) who happened to be the class bully was the only girl who showed up with a fucking pillow pet! It’s no wonder she’s the class bully! Everyone just assuming that American Girl dolls grow on trees and shit. Like it’s no big deal to get 7 of them for Christmas. Crazy! That’s what my sister gets for sending her to parochial I guess! Jeez!

Another thing that is pretty crazy is kids asking for the most expensive technology for Christmas. They want an iphone in their stocking like it’s nothing, while I’m still enthralled that I bought myself the 4s over a year later. A coworker of mine was saying that her grandkids (all under age 11) asked her for LAPTOPS for their Christmas gifts. Like they each want a separate laptop, not even one to share! What ever happened to sharing a family gift? Why do 5th graders need their own laptop/tablet/whatever?! If this was my kid, I would tell them that I am already bankrupt from the DS bullshit they requested and that if they ever put an ibook on their list again, that they’ll get coal and community service. Sorry kids. But when kids are getting DS and Wii games at $60 a pop in the Secret Santa at the family party, then looking disappointed because they were expecting the iphone 5, I think it’s time we put kids in check! Like, hey, mom and dad can’t even afford a night out at Grumpy White’s because you’re on your 2nd tablet of 2012! What’s wrong with this picture?! I shared my Playstation Goddamnit!!!! And if I wanted to play Twisted Metal, I had to do so in 15 minute intervals!!! Life was hard but I was happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…Woah, sorry about that.

Moms and dads, wake up and put some coal in these stockings! My mom and dad did this to me less than 5 years ago because my room wasn’t clean enough for their liking. If my mom and dad can do it to their 21 year old to make a point, then you can do it to your 7 year old! Think back to the 60’s/70’s when all you got under the tree was a lousy board game or a fucking Etch A Sketch, and you were elated! Buy yourselves a laptop and tell them to kick rocks! Good luck and God speed and Merry Christmas!


2 Responses to “Christmas is on Steroids”

  1. Allie December 10, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

    Does this mean Boba won’t be getting a shiny new cage?

  2. Moe Palmer December 10, 2012 at 11:18 pm #

    I’m a mom and I love you. I have friends who put stuff like DVDs and gift cards in their kids’ stockings… um, no way! Those are “real” gifts. My kids get crayons, a Lifesaver Storybook and an orange in their stockings. My 10 year old asked for a phone and I laughed at him.
    Also- you may not know this, but Easter is the new Christmas. My kids’ baskets have Peeps, jellybeans and a chocolate bunny. The neighbor kids get bikes and ipods. Oh no. No no no.

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