The One Upper

18 Dec

One uppers. We all come across them. We all want to to punch them. Because there is nothing worse than someone who HAS to trump your story. The other day I was telling someone about the time I got hit by a car. Not even trying to have a good story, just matter of factly explaining what happened because I was asked about it. I tell this person that I was outside of North Quincy High during a school dance back in 2003ish, leaving to meet some friends to get drunk at the dike in Montclair. I didn’t even make it across Hancock Street when a car nailed me, throwing me a go0d 10 feet in the air. I was totally fine, other than a cut on my knee and road rash pretty much all over my body.  I proceed to talk about how the nurse who glued my knee got her glove stuck inside the cut on my knee, then had to rip the glove from the wound and re-glue the knee. Ouch. The listener and I are barely done laughing at how accident prone I am, when a well known one upper who was no part of the conversation chimes in, “I was hit by a car once, too! Broke my rips, leg, almost died like 17 times in the O.R., got a blood tranfusion. Blood was infected with AIDS. Overcame it quicker than Magic Johnson”. Or something like that. I’m like “Wow, I’ve known you for 6 years and you’ve NEVER told me that one!”, only I say it in my head because I’m a pussbag. Without being asked, the one upper continues to tell her story about getting hit by a car. And it’s at this point that I totally zone out because I know the story is bogus.

Here’s the thing about the One Upper. The One Upper is almost always a liar. Even if they aren’t lying, they are exaggerating…which is pretty much lying, so yeah, they are a liar. Their story is always so much better than yours, so much cooler, gives them so much more street cred. Who cares if I have a scar across my knee and Palumbo saw the entire nailed by a car accident, the One Upper wasn’t going to get drunk when he/she was hit by a car. No, the one upper is an upstanding citizen who was saving a fucking kitten in the middle of a busy intersection when he/she got nailed by an 18 wheeler. Oh, and before the One Upper lost consciousness, he/she was able to tell the kitten to “Run away from the traffic young grasshopper!”. And when the One Upper did lose consciousness, he/she had an out of body experience in which he/she saw all the paramedics ripping his/her clothes off and say “SHE’S  NOT GONNA MAKE IT!”. But the One Upper always does make it, because the One Upper was put here on earth to make their shit sound way better than your shitty story.  Even if they totally make up their story, like the above story I just made up for the purpose of this blog. The One Upper has made it their life mission to out live you. The most frustrating part of it is that the One Upper has no clue that no matter how cool the story is that they are lying about, even if it WERE true, it’s not THAT cool. Because after you stop believing in Santa, NOTHING in life is THAT cool. Ever. Fact.

Some more things about the One Upper…Do you have a boat? Well the One Upper has a bigger boat. Do you know how to cook a mean grilled cheese sandwich? Well the One Upper is the inventor of Cheeseboy. Did you meet Zac Hanson? Well the One Upper had sexual relations with Zac Hanson. Do you like Hello Kitty Merchandise? The One Upper IS Hello Kitty Merchandise. The One Upper probably has John Stamos booked to sing Forever at her wedding even though she’s not even in a relationship. The One Upper is just that person who needs to let everyone know that they are more, have more, do more, know more, and see more than you.

So to all those One Uppers out there, know this: I’m on to you. And I know you don’t have a boat. Because I know you’re poor. And I know this because you save your Dunkin Donuts hot cups even though you’re not an environmental activist. And saving your Dunkin Donuts hot cup when you’re not even green is the  #1 sign of a poor person. So remember that next time you go to interrupt someone with a better story. Dick.



One Response to “The One Upper”

  1. Dennis December 18, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

    We call that guy/girl “The topper” (stole it from the Dilbert comic) – Usually their story starts with “That’s nothin’… I once saved a baby from a burning building….” etc…etc…

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