I Forgot That The Apolcalypse Is Tomorrow Or I Would Have Called In Sick

20 Dec

So here I am on my lunch break at work thinking about what a sucker I am. I totally forgot that besides the doomsday preppers, we are all going to die tomorrow. Had I known, I would have called in sick so I could  do some cool things before there is a massive landslide, or a super volcano explodes burning us all, or whatever else could happen that will murk us all. Sigh. But it does me no good to beat myself up about it. I’ll just get shitfaced later or something. But anyways, here’s what I WOULD have done if I had called in sick today:

Ordered the Lumberjack Breakfast from Wheelhouse Diner: I probably couldn’t even eat a quarter of this, but I think I could force myself since I won’t need to fit into a wedding dress anymore, as 2013 won’t be happening.

Day drink: Obviously.

Egged the shit out of Eastern Nazarene College: Taking a page out of Halloween circa 2001, this is a given. The campus police have had it coming since the day they put those uniforms on. It would be like the games of cops and robbers I used to play every night of the summer. Except I get winded a lot more easily, and would probably be drunk.

Hugged it out with the Lionel Ritchie Guy from APrime: I’m sure Lionel wouldn’t be difficult to find. He works at every gas station in the city and doesn’t seem to have any vacation time saved up. We’ve had our differences, like the time he yelled at me because he thought I said “fill it up” when I actually said “fifteen regular”. But I can’t face the end of times knowing that we are not okay. I’d give him and his Abibas (Adidas knock off) t-shirt a big hug. Then I’d go home and shower. Twice.


Visited the less fortunate: I would have stopped by Quincy Center T, lined up all of the T rats, and slapped them. Then I’d run because I can’t take what I dish out. And I’m not in the mood to contract Hep C.

Bought Purple Mittens a purple Snuggie: No reason why. I just think it would be fun. Everyone likes to match.

Try crack: Just to say I did. For the street cred. Then I’d karaoke with the lady who smokes crack and karaokes.

Confess to trying crack: I couldn’t just smoke crack and live without the guilt of trying crack. I would repent.

Purchase bloomers from Kam Man and give them to the karaoke crackhead for Christmas: That’s pretty descriptive. I shouldn’t have to explain. It’s just what crack does to your brain.

Eat breakfast for dinner: What’s better than breakfast for dinner? Not breakfast for breakfast. That’s expected. But breakfast for dinner?! Gets no better.

I’m really struggling to come up with something else that I’d like to do before the impending apocalypse, so I guess the above are really it for me. What would you guys do if we all called in sick today because tomorrow we were going to get  hit with a meteorite or get a worldwide dutch oven from Whoopi Goldberg and perish? The possibilities are endless. Except for me, I literally can’t think of anything else.


3 Responses to “I Forgot That The Apolcalypse Is Tomorrow Or I Would Have Called In Sick”

  1. Kayla December 20, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    Sad to admit but I applied to E N C to finish my degree- I think the world is ending !

    • Molly December 20, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

      ENC is actually a good school. I just lived up the street for years and had the tendency to wreak havoc on security.

  2. Deannafin December 21, 2012 at 4:42 am #

    Ok so I thought the one about the gas guy was the best until I got to the Quincy T one hahaha wonderful as always!

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