28 Dec

So my friend Barney has been throwing the name “Mary” around a lot as of lately as an insult to guys who are being sensitive. I’m sure you’ve heard it before. If not, it basically means “man bitch” and I love it. Here, let me use it in a sentence:

“That kid’s a fuckin’ Mary.”

Yeah, that is all. So simple. Love it. Nothing against the name Mary. I mean, my name means Mary in Gaelic or some shit, so I guess the Gaelic version of a Mary is a  Molly. But yeah, Mary is just a girly name that men really can’t have because it’s not gender neutral, like the name Jamie. It kind of reminds me of the time my friends, ex boyfriend and I were drinking at Cavanaugh field, and the cops came to tell us to leave, and we ran to the other side of the field to exit, and this one cop was screaming at my ex to stop being such a Sally by running away like a bitch. And as I was running up the stairs, flashlights pointed at us, I got a cramp from laughing so hard. It was in that moment that I knew I couldn’t be with a Sally. Not then. Not ever.

Mary is kind of the updated version of Sally or Nancy. You don’t come across too many Sally’s anymore, so at some point Sally had to be modernized, hence Mary. So what are some clues that you’ve come across a Mary?

1. He has a diary, but gets mad if you call it a diary, and insists that it’s a journal.

2. He  gets butt hurt on the regular. Butt hurt = whiny and bitchy and sensitive and defensive over even the most trivial matters. “Upset” is a word that a Mary would use to describe his feelings.

3. He uses quotes on his status for non-comedic purposes. Or if he complains on his status on the reg.

4. He complains about relationship issues on social media.

5. He uses the word “ditched” quite a bit.

6. He publicly ponders too often about things such as: “Can a man and woman ever truly be ‘just friends’ with no romantic interest from either party?”

7. He is easily offended.

Here are some more general signs of a Mary from Barney himself:


Thanks for that insight, Barney. Anyways, I guess if you come across a Mary, you shouldn’t tell him he’s being a Mary because then he’ll get upset. And remember: when Mary’s get upset, they get all quotey and sensitive on their Facebook statuses. And God fucking forbid a man get sensitive.




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