24 Jan

Psychos. We come across them all the time. They are the people who exhibit the craziest behavior and think it’s totally normal. Well psychos, I am onto you. I know what you’re about and I am sick of the crazy. Psychos are those people in our lives whose behavior is excused with “Well, it’s so and so we are talking about”, because we all know it’s just their typical psychotic self. Sometimes we can’t get rid of the psychos in our lives…they might be family, or coworkers, or even friends. If you aren’t following me, here are some signs that you might have a psycho on your hands:

They are “normal” on and off: In order to be a normal human being, you must exhibit consistent stable behavior. By the way, this is my opinion. I am not a doctor. I just moonlight as an unlicensed mental health therapist illegally. But anyways, psychotic people will have bouts of normalcy once every few months. This probably means that they decided to go back on their meds. This does not last when it comes to a psycho. They go back to their old ways after you hang around them for a few days. They are like chameleons: they can be the funniest and most generous person, but once you’re lured into their lives with their charm, they begin to get their crazy on – lashing out, being sneaky,  obsessing, etc. So when someone who is typically crazy has a period of calm, keep in mind that there is a storm of insanity on the horizon. Real  normally behaved people are consistent in their normalcy! I know, everyone is a little abnormal and weird. It is what makes us unique. But by ‘normal’ I mean STABLE.

They are pathological liars: Possibly the strangest phenomenon to me is the pathological liar. They tell these OUTRAGEOUS lies and go with it until the end. You can literally corner them with the truth and they will STILL lie. It’s like they lie so much that they also believe their own lies. Bizarre. What are some of the things they lie about? I’ve known some people in my life who lie about meeting celebrities and knowing famous or prominent people. Usually they use 3 degrees of separation to describe their relationship with this famous person. For example “My cousin’s dog walker F’ed Chris Farley last month!”. It doesn’t matter that Chris Farley has been dead for over a decade, or that even if he were alive, he’s not THAT desirable. Psychos will stand firm in their lie. Relentless. If they are really big psychos, they will use only 2 degrees of separation. These kind of psychos are the ones that you need to be on high alert for.

Another huge lie that psychos tell usually involves a serious illness. Don’t gasp in horror, I know it’s awful, but it’s true and you know. The number one illness they fake is cancer. I’ve met one psycho who said it was leukemia. Another who said it was a brain tumor. Then you see them out at the bar looking totally healthy, binge drinking til last call. The most severe illness lie I’ve ever encountered was in high school when a psycho I was friends with slept at our mutual friend’s house and woke up the girl’s mom at 5am and asked her to drive her to chemo at QUINCY MEDICAL CENTER. What the FUCK?! She was only busted after her mom and my mom were chatting after she picked her up from my house. My mom said she was sorry to hear about my psycho friend’s condition. Her mom asked, “Um, what condition? She’s not sick…”. AWKWARD!

Their mantra is “NO DRAMA!” but they ARE drama: Psycho people will maintain that they cannot stand being involved with drama. But drama is in their bones. They pull things from their ass to create drama. They thrive in it. The ones that preach the most about anti-drama are the queens of drama. And when there isn’t enough drama they will find someone who will allow them to stir the pot. They put these stupid ass “powerful” quotes on their statuses about how they need to do them and stop giving a shit about other people, and they say things like “Eliminating all the bad people from my life ASAP!. And every day that you read it you think to yourself, “This person has gotten into shit with every single friend she has, according to Facebook, the common denominator IS THIS PERSON!”. Seriously, it’s not normal to have a falling out with someone every other week. The problem is the psycho! 

They have sticky fingers: Ever notice that your make up or change from your center console mysteriously disappears when you are with someone? Maybe even your credit card…Welp, that’s because you have encountered a psychopath. Yeah, you’re an adult and know better than to hang out with a thieving scumbag. But sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt because we want to believe that other adults we surround ourselves with know better and would not steal from us. We truly don’t want to believe that someone would be trashy enough to steal our toll money…it’s only a dollar fucking seventy-five in quarters! But like I said earlier, psychos are relentless. They assume they won’t be confronted, and if you catch them on it they will lie and twist shit behind your back to make you look like a psycho who is accusing them of stealing from your change pile. They are so ballsy that they will steal a t-shirt from your drawer and then post pictures on Facebook of them WEARING the SAME t-shirt! Luckily, most non-stupid people can see right through this. Psychos might not even be stealing from you. They might be stealing from their tip jar at work. Or passing in their time sheets at work with extra hours on it. This ties into a sub-sign of a psycho: they have difficulty not getting fired from even the easiest of jobs. Then when you ask them why they aren’t working at the same company anymore they say, “Oh, the manager was such a fucking psycho!”. Nah, dude.

So anyways, I am sure most of you are sitting at your computers, or phones thinking of that one bat shit crazy psycho in your life, or one from your past. And to you I say, good luck and God speed. Keep your quarters on lock down and investigate cancer treatment centers in your area. You are going to need to know if the hospital you are driving some psycho who “has a brain tumor” is one that provides chemo. Ahh, crazy ass humans.

You can thank me for warning you about psychopaths by voting for me in this wedding contest! Can vote once every 24 hours until January 30th, 2013! Thanks!Vote for Molly & help her create her dream wedding! 


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