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No One Gives A Shit About Your Stop & Shop Flowers.

14 Feb

Today is the day that every single person in America loves to pretend to hate more than they actually hate it: Valentine’s Day. The made up day during which we are supposed to spend money and be lovey and nice to our significant others. Not sure why we aren’t lovey and nice to our loved ones every day but I think it has to do with Hallmark wanting us to spend money or something. Of course us girls are suckers for a bullshit holiday and love anything that gives us an excuse to drink too much wine on a work night.

My personal favorite part of Valentine’s day are all the haters who hate love but would probably love love if they fell into it. Typically these people have just gotten their hearts broken and are still irrationally angry and openly expressive about it on social media. I find little more hilarious than irrational anger. Like, woah, you just status updated that you want couples to die because you got dumped by a dude that you dated for only 1 month! These people also are known for commenting “puke” under uploads of flowers and chocolates and teddy bears. I dig your insanity, mostly because it’s crazy entertaining, but what is wrong with you?! Go get shitfaced with friends on Valentine’s day, maybe watch some slasher flicks to calm yourself down.

My second favorite part of Valentine’s day are all the haters who hate the haters of Valentine’s day. These people are typically Miss Lippy-esque, and wish that everyone would wear red and pink on February 14th. They proclaim to the world via social media that if they are in relationships they should love like it’s the last day on earth, and if they are single that they should love themselves enough to write a self help book about it. It’s like, obviously the haters got dumped and are still sad about it, let them live. Just look at their open misery as entertaining at their expense. It’s pretty much a fact that miserable people are the funniest, so go with it.

My third favorite part about Valentine’s day are all the girlfriends who think that the world cares about their bouquet of supermarket flowers. They take pictures of their vase of roses and Instagram it, Facebook it, Tweet it, the whole nine. Hashtag best boyfriend EVER!!!!! Followed by a paragraph of emoji hearts. They don’t realize that people either A) don’t care, B) are judging their boyfriend after seeing the pink flower wrap from Stop and Shop, or C) wish that the packet of flower food was actually anthrax. Hey, I’m not giving these ladies shit. I am one of them. Except I stay away from the best boyfriend ever hashtag because I want to have friends that don’t secretly hate me. So really, who cares if no one gives a shit about your Stop & Shop flowers? You do because they made you feel special and that’s what matters.

Kind of funny that all of my favorite parts of holidays now are based off of people’s cyber actions. The internet is basically reality now, right? But in all seriousness, I think it’s nice to make people feel special even if it’s on a day that they expect it, like today. Doesn’t have to be a boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife. Could be a friend, or family, a random stranger. For example: I just gave a homeless man a dollar and 35 cents and now we are in love forever. Or here is something unconventional you could do: treat yourself like you are special. I mean, how can you expect someone else to love you if you don’t even love you? Shiiiiit! vday

Dopamine + Norepinephrine + Phenylethylamine = love. Yay!

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