Stupid Shit by Elyse

25 Feb

Okay, so we all do stupid shit. I can think of some of the stories my girlfriends tell me and wonder, “How can you be so fucking dumb?”. Or the random shit we read/see on the internet. Like the video of the girl burning her fucking hair off in Molly’s announcement of me and Kristen joining the blog. I’d like to share with you some of the stupidest fucking things I have ever done (and this is just a short list, I apologize in advance if you lose all faith in humanity after reading this). Here goes:

  •  Sticking my tongue to a frozen mallet – Yeah, like a mallet you would pound a steak with; which ended up in our freezer because someone was trying to break up a huge block of ice. I would like to point out this is my mother’s fault as she doesn’t believe in ice cube trays “because everyone in this house is fucking lazy and no one fills them” (true) and she also because she would never buy a fridge that has an ice maker. Have I seen A Christmas Story a million fucking times? Yes. I obviously wasn’t using my fucking brain. Anyways, after running it under warm water I was released from the grip of the frozen mallet. My tongue felt like it had fucking frost bite for a while after that. Needless to say I don’t lick frozen metal objects anymore. (*Bonus: One of my sisters fucking licked the mallet too AFTER this happened to me! My mom still tells this story to everyone. Co-workers/strangers/friends/family. Yes so while other moms are bragging about their star athlete child my mom is laughing talking about how fucking slow her kids are.
  • Sitting my bare ass on a hot hair straightener – sounds like your worst nightmare, right ladies? Let me explain.. Getting ready is tough to do on the reg but it’s especially tough in the summer. You got the AC fucking cranking and you keep blowing the fuse because you have a million fucking things plugged in and running at the same time. Blow dryer, AC, radio, computer, hair straightner heating up – luckily I have that surge protector with 8 outlets. Party rock. Anyways, being hot and doing your hair in the summer is the worst. It makes you semi delusional and totally reckless because you are at the point where you are losing you fucking mind. So to try to keep as cool as possible I get ready in my undies… bad idea. I was on the verge of heat exhaustion from this hair session so I go to take a seat.  I sit right on the fucking hot hair straightener. It looked like I got fucking branded by Helen of Troy. I had  parallel burns from the plates right on my ass. Sitting down was difficult, I think I should have had physical therapy. I have never had such a pain in the ass, literally. To boot it was there for weeks and you could see it when I was in a bikini.   (*Another note about my mom: She fucking flipped when she saw this. She was like “What the fuck is that? How did that happen?” in an accusing tone. I acted offended and told her the story… still to this day I wonder what her initial thoughts were going through her mind.
  •  Driving my sisters car through my neighbors fence: After lots of convincing, my sisters live in boyfriend said he would let me drive. We lived in a small neighborhood where you would never go over 30mph anyways so he thought nothing could go wrong. BAD MOVE Dennis, lots can go wrong ,and it did. Fortunately for the citizens of Quincy I did not make it out of the driveway. Instead I proceeded to punch the gas and drive through my 90 year old neighbors house,  whom I am pretty sure shit her adult diaper when she saw what I did. Poor D tried to lie and say it was him but my mom and  sister knew that was bullshit. He ended up having to rebuild the fence. Hey, I know it’s a few years late but thanks for that!
  •  Painting my bedroom ceiling: So when I was a badass (who am I kidding? I still am), I used to smoke in my bedroom…a lot. So when I repainted my room and stopped smoking in there I wanted to paint the ceiling.  I did about 3 rolls with the roller and realized my arms are going to fucking fall off and there is no way I can complete this. So then my mind started working and I called my younger sister in. I bribed her with something and convinced her to help. She got a little farther than I did , but came to the same conclusion that it wasn’t going to happen. So my bedroom ceiling at my moms house is still half white/half smoke stained yellow. Sorry mom. At least my walls are still the colors of a Victoria’s Secret shopping bag.
  •  Lighting my mom’s kitchen on fire: Okay, so my mom is going to be pissed if she reads this entry. Me and my sister were getting buckwild up in my bedroom drinking red wine one night, and I decided I wanted to fix the wick on a candle. I had never actually done this before but I had seen it done and understood the concept. I put the candle in boiling water and was going to wait for the wax to soften and fix the wick. A great idea in theory…. except I got a little shitty and forgot about the candle. So my brother comes upstairs fucking flipping out on us because it is all smokey in the kitchen and we realize oh shit this is nahhhhht good. The next part is a blur so my siblings may need to clarify if it went down like this: I think my sister put a piece of paper or plastic in the pot and I put water on it.. and I guess candles and water/smoke/fire don’t mix because a huge fucking flame shot up (thank god I didn’t singe my brows because I barely have any as it is). I am pretty sure I dumped in my pants when this happened. I legit ran into the living room repeating “Do I call the fire department?!”. The fire went out after it shot up real quick. However my moms white cabinets and ceiling are covered with fucking black  soot. Let just say I haven’t attempted to fix a candle since.
  • Breaking furniture: Remember the bunk bed scene in the movie Step Brothers? And one of the dude’s  is all Montell Jordan “this is how we do it” (note I fucking love singing that line while  doing dumb shit)? Well I pretty much reenacted this scene unintentionally in real life. We were all hanging out having “big kid time” and I am all excited like Quagmire, giggity giggity, happy as a mother fucking clam excited and I hop on the bed like a jubilant bunny. Except I am not a bunny I am a grown woman and the fucking thing cames right out from the bottom. It was all very fast but I definitely remember hearing wood cracking or buckling while simultaneously falling to the ground. It was like a game of Don’t Break The Ice but in this case the “Ice” was a bed frame. My brother was PISSED. SHIT GOT REAL REAL QUICK. He knew I didn’t do it intentionally so couldn’t yell at me, but I am pretty sure his head was about to fucking explode.
  • Crushed my Christmas Tree: So I went Black Friday shopping for the first time this year. It really wasn’t that bad. An Elvis impersonator showed up at Target. The purpose of our trip was to purchase a new TV (oh, that shit the bed a week later), but I really just went for the fake Christmas tree sale. So I get the tree. It is pretty decent for $30 – 6ft tall and good for an apartment. Even after the TV shit the bed I still feel we made out and Black Friday wasn’t a total waste because of the tree…that was until I got drunk. I like to rip Marbs and drink various types of alcohol whilst chit chatting on the phone in my bathrobe on my porch. I do this almost every weekend. This night was no different. I had finished my butt and came inside and still had that 14 year old who just started smoking rush because I was drunk and tripped over a fucking flipper. Yes a flipper like scuba steve flippers. Why the fuck I have flippers under my Christmas tree next to my back door in December? I don’t know. Anyways, I fell like a ton of bricks and fucked that tree up beyond repair. RIP.

What is the dumbest fucking thing you have done? Does it top any of the shit listed above? Let us know! Send us your dumbass stories to ATTN Elyse in the subject line.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: