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Weirdest Movies You Saw As A Kid

27 Feb

Ever think back to some of the movies you watched as a kid and think “What the FUCK was that?”. Lots of weird shit being watched back then (I say this as someone who currently watches an obese psychopath verbally abuse 7 year old dancers). Here are a few of those “What the fuck?” things I watched when I was a  kid:

Ernest movies: Isn’t it bizarre that my biggest fear as a child was to get wrongfully convicted of a felony and sentenced to death due to having an evil twin named Felix Nash? Maybe just a little bit. Ernest movies were my favorite. The dude went everywhere: camp, fuckin’ jail, the army, school, Africa…you name it, Ernest was THERE. You would think that Ernest would be a little bit more kid friendly, seeing that kids loved him so much. If you think about it, Ernest was really just a dude with an IQ comparable to Amelia Bedelia, who wore a long sleeved grey shirt/too much denim every day, took baths in his vest in a washing machine, and sounded like a 2 pack a day smoker of 40 years. Ernest was like Pee Wee Herman on meth. He probably reminds you of your parent’s creepy single friend at the family party who talks to himself in the bathroom and doesn’t know your name. Ernest in a nutshell. I feel bad talking badly about Ernest, since I devoted so many hours of my childhood to his tomfoolery. Plus he’s dead now, and I don’t like to speak ill of the deceased. RIP Ernest P. Worrell….love you.

ernest

The Brave Little Toaster: Aww that electric blanket was SO cute! (like…what?). Seriously, loved this movie…but where do I start? First of all, this movie is about fucking appliances that are sad that their “master” has abandoned them. After the air conditioner kills himself in despair, the crew decides to head out into the world looking for their master. Turns out their “master” is some asshole kid leaving for college. They somehow end up in a junkyard be cause their master’s new appliances queen out when they think they could be replaced. At the junkyard, the toaster sacrifices himself on a conveyer belt that is about to kill his friends, and their master sees them lying in a pile of junk, picks them up and brings them to college after fixing the toaster’s mangled remains. Years later Disney/Pixar basically retold this story with toys…you know, items that kids actually grow attached to. Unless you were a kid who formed a close bond with a lamp?

The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking: The story of a freckle-faced, fun-lovin’ ginger orphan who makes washing the floors look like a ride at Disneyland. This was hands down in my top 5 favorite movies of all time (up until the age of 7ish). I had a Pippi birthday cake and a Pippi doll – imagine the nightmares you’d have with a Pippi doll in your room at night when the light from the street hits it? Yikes. Anyways,  now that I am older, I see some flaws here. Two words: deadbeat dad. Where the fuck is Pippi’s pops?! He’s a pirate who gets “swept away by sea” AKA he’s boozin’ on the 7 seas with a bunch of savages, leaving his child in the care of a horse and a monkey? Fucks up with that?! You have a kid, granted she’s a total weirdo, but you need to take care of your shit! Another thing, where is DSS? I know that Pippi is eventually sent to an orphanage where she throws an icecream party and saves the building from a fire, but when she decides that the orphanage just “isn’t for her”, she’s sent back home to rage til all hours of the night with her fairweather friends Tommy and Annika til her probably smelly dad comes back and offers her the role of Cannibal Princess (so not only is he a deadbeat father, but he also moonlights as Hannibal Lecter). I smell a skunk!

The Neverending Story: This movie was never one of my favorites because the giant dog (with scales or something similar), as well as pretty much every other creature in it, skeeved me the the fuck out. Plus it’s hard to watch a movie with a protagonist that you want to bully. And don’t call me an asshole for saying that, the kid was trouble. Taking acid at that age? Shame shame!

dog

So anyways, agree or not, you know that these movies were fucking weird. Anything I miss?

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6 Responses to “Weirdest Movies You Saw As A Kid”

  1. Katie February 27, 2013 at 3:49 pm #

    *Little Monsters*
    Wasn’t that the one with Howie Mandell & Fred + Ben Savage? The monsters come out from under your bed?

  2. allison turini February 27, 2013 at 4:53 pm #

    U forgot to mention drop dead Fred I still have nightmares of that guy lol

  3. Nicole February 27, 2013 at 5:49 pm #

    Dropdead Fred, Little Monsters, and why was it ever acceptable for children to watch Howard the Duck.

  4. Adam February 27, 2013 at 11:43 pm #

    Phantasm! It’s not dirty, just sounds that way. Very weird, though. Big funeral home/cemetery with the creepy mortician. He threw these silver baseball looking things that cut people up. Totally inappropriate for a kid. Poltergeist, too. That one still creeps me out.

  5. Andrea March 1, 2013 at 6:41 pm #

    James & the Giant Peach. That movie is all kinds of fucked up.

  6. sarah December 12, 2013 at 8:48 am #

    The dark crystal and the garbage pail kids movie

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