Advertisements

‘Why You Should Go To The Middle Of Fucking Nowhere’ by Elyse

28 Feb

The other day she told you the cons of picking up and leaving, but today Elyse talks about some of her favorite and most memorable experiences since leaving home and being on the road traveling through America. She is a true patriot and pioneer for Quincy travelers citywide. I am a sap though, and love the part where she says that life is about creating experiences. So true, and makes me want to rent an RV, cook some meth just because that’s what RV’s are primarily for, and hit the road. Enjoy her vulgarity and total honesty!

Okay, so I know a lot of people I am friends with/you are friends with have moved away. For work, military, or maybe just because they are balls’y enough to leave their hometown on a whim. The thought of this for some (cough cough Carney) is unthinkable because they are in *God’s country… why the fuck would they leave? I personally left God’s country because I fell in love and flying is a mother fucker , not to mention wicked expensive. For real, I am pretty sure I flew at least 30x last year majority on Delta and I still don’t have enough fucking skymiles for a free flight. Like even a flight from KC to STL. Shit’s whack.

This summer I spent 3 months (not sure I lost track of time in deliverance country) in Starke, FL. Do me a favor and Google it. Yeah, the KKK hangs out in Starke, as well as Florida’s death row inmates. Sounds like paradise right? I stayed in an “apartment” which I am pretty sure was a halfway house considering our room was the only one with a bathroom and the rest of the building shared one. I was the only female living there – super safe! The halfway house landlady  asked if I was British because of my accent. She is from Canada and became a US resident by marrying a black guy on death row. Would I have experienced this without leaving God’s Country? Nope!

I also would never have truly understood the REAL people of Walmart.. .in their Sunday’s best… barefoot. Yes, the Walmart jokes and memes are real life. I don’t want to hear a fucking word of anyone bitching about a Walmart North of the Mason Dixon line.

I got to experience a tropical storm. Florida style. Let me tell you… SHIT GOT REAL. The fucking halfway house/apartment building was shaking the thunder was so loud. The lightening made me feel like I was tripping (but I was really just drunk). But it was fucking awesome. I love experiencing weather. Maybe that is why I fell in love with my boyfriend who does combat weather in the Air Force. NOTE: I do not, I repeat I do not want to experience a tornado.

trop

I got to shop at Winn Dixie – and I was all Lil Wayne “I need a Winn-Dixie grocery bag full of money, right now to the VIP section“. Got Money! I also got to shop a fruit stands and anyone who knows me knows I love Watermelon and a good fucking bargain.

We were about 45min to an hour outside of Jacksonville so going to the beach was DAAA SHITTT and if you ever do go to JAX Beach go to Lynch’s Irish Pub. That bar is the shit.. you can smoke inside.. the whole fucking place is covered in dirty dollar bills, and they have Irish Breakfast all day long.

I got to go to the Itchnatucky River which is like a spring/lazy river. It is crystal clear water that you just float down. A REAL LIFE LAZY RIVER. It was awesome minus the little kid who was cramping my flow. I almost punched a child on a tube next to me. That would have been bad.

silver

After Florida we drove to Texas with a pit stop in New Orleans. When I say “we” drove I mean my boyfriend. I still didn’t know how to drive at the time. New Orleans was everything I expected: sticky as fuck and covered in grime. It was fantastic. Bourbon Street was the balls, and I wasn’t even drunk. I was taking pics of those guys who paint themselves silver and stand still forever. I still wonder if they shower and repaint their bodies or just live like that. Beignets, (which my boyfriend learned is not pronounced like ‘bayonet’) Jambalaya, and Muffalettas (bomb ass sandwich) are fucking unreal. I was only there for one night but I need to go back. This is the Pony Room of cities. It is like the way you feel after leaving a strip club: guilty, satisfied, and dirty.

yumne

pool

We got to Texas, Fort Hood to be exact. I would like to thank all our service members who have ever been to Fort Hood because oh my fucking GOD, between July-October it is a nightmare. It is like 110+ degrees daily. Oh, dry heat you say? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK what kind of heat it is when its over 100 degrees, I am a whole new kind of cranky bitch I didn’t even know existed inside of me in this heat. Also, the CRICKETS. I really could die inside thinking about it. They are everywhere. I can’t even explain it. They jump, they fly, they run like little fucking devil speed demons. They are harmless but I swear I have PTSD from these terrors. My daily treat was going across the street to Walmart and buying toiletries. Or riding Pumba the 25 cent ride drunk. <- DEAD SERIOUS. I swam in a pool that was green and had bugs that resembled centipedes swimming in it every day. It was that hot. I was beat red and swimming in slime filled with bugs. REAL LIFE FEAR FACTOR.

pumba

bug

One cool thing:  drive-through daiquiris. I would recommend not getting a blue dauiquiri unless you want to shit out a smurf. Again, I am not kidding you will literally shit and it will look like you consumed a radioactive drink. Our date nights consisted of dairquiris by the pool with Eminem on the ipod and Chex Mix (sO0o0O0o romantic). I consumed more cheap wine in those few months than you probably have in your whole lifetime. Again, IT WAS AWESOME. Note: I also got the most bad ass pooch ever in a Fort Hood shelter.

date

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I know you are probably thinking ‘Is this chick fucking serious? She literally just explained hell on earth to me’. Bugs everywhere, a million fucking degrees, in the middle of no where Texas. But it was awesome because it was an experience. That is what life is about – experiences.

Don’t get me wrong, I ‘d get really homesick. I fucking hat cats, but I was so homesick/drunk that when I saw a stray kitten (who ended up not being so stray) , I  literally stuck up a conversation with it on my stoop while smoking a cigg.

Leaving Texas was surreal because it meant my 6 month break from the real world (being unemployed, getting drunk, and not doing sheeeiiitt) was over. We drove from Texas back to Missouri. A ride I have done multiple times and although there literally isn’t shit to see for like 12 hours it is beautiful to see those “fly over states” in person. Oklahoma is surprisingly hilly and Kansas is flat but its beautiful being able to see for miles and miles.

So with this blog since I know it was kind of “me me me me” and what I have done, really isn’t about the the stupid shit I did in those places, it really is just about getting out there. Meeting new people. Seeing new things, even if it is going to see nothing. It’s when we are bored that we end up doing the funnest things and creating the best memories.

I know a lot of you readers have gone away in the military, or school, or because your are balls’y like that. What were your experiences like?

God’s Country: *Quincy

Advertisements

7 Responses to “‘Why You Should Go To The Middle Of Fucking Nowhere’ by Elyse”

  1. Colleen February 28, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

    Every heard of a Palmetto bug? Yeahhhh… It’s a 6 inch cockroach. I’ve had about 3 of them in my apartment here in SC and I’ve just about flipped a shit every single time I’ve seen it. The difference with roaches here is that you don’t get them because you’re dirty like you do in Massachusetts, they are just everywhere down here. They are the most terrifying things I’ve seen….. besides the hillbilly rednecks…..

    • elyse February 28, 2013 at 4:01 pm #

      OMG I had one in Florida.. you are right there are just everywhere!!! They had a guy come spray bug stuff in our “room” every week.. ahh god bless you for dealing with those!!!

  2. teew08@yahoo.com February 28, 2013 at 3:26 pm #

    I call your Florida and raise you a Rock Springs, Wyoming – Red Desert mothafuckas! 8 feckin years of the “oil patch” Bitches be mad sexay at the Walmart at 200 lbs originally from Oklahoma/Texas – take your pick
    Doesn’t get more excitin than that 😐

    • elyse February 28, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

      Hahahaha I am intrigued.. possbily a trip to Wyoming in my future? My boyfriend recently had an offer to go on duty there for 6 months.. Cheyenne

  3. Jeff February 28, 2013 at 4:05 pm #

    I lived in Fl for 7 years and spent 2.5 of those travelling cross country. Most amazing experience ever. Regardless of swarming mole crickets. As for palmetto bugs, I lived with a few Marines who considered them “snacks”. Never lose a bet when eating one of those is on the line…

    • elyse February 28, 2013 at 7:40 pm #

      AHHHH, you and your friends seem insane! That is scary awesome

  4. Brandy Egan February 28, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

    This blog is AWESOME.

    *Brandy Egan *

    Team Manager

    Buyer Specialist

    REALTOR

    *The Don L’Heureux Team*

    *Keller Williams Realty*

    50 Sewall Street

    Portland, ME 04102

    207.229.0214 (Cell)

    207.553.1360 (Team Direct)

    207.879.9800 (Office)

    207.879.9801 (Fax)

    began@kw.com (E-mail)

    http://www.DonSellsFalmouth.com

    http://www.TheDonLHeureuxTeam.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: