You Made Me Like This!: Confessions of Ex Girlfriends

1 Mar

So I was thinking of making Fridays more interesting by compiling psycho ex stories. Even though the title is “Confessions of Ex Girlfriends”, guys can feel free to send their psycho ex stories in as well. If you have something you need to get off your chest, feel free to send your story to, and don’t worry – 10% anonymous. And we don’t judge you (yes we will).

Here are the *brave women who have decided to share their confessions with you, the internet:




Senior year I was dating Guy #1 but was secretly hooking up with/dating Guy #2 who was like 3 year younger, but he was hot and a quarterback…

So I was drinking gin and juice (out of an extra larger McDonald’s cup) at Cavanaugh field (in North Quincy)  and hanging out with Guy#2. I got white girl wasted, legit couldn’t drive my car, etc. So Guy #2 drives my car to my house and to my surprise Guy #1 is there.  I’m shitfaced and cheating so my logical thought was to run into my house and take a shower fully clothed. Little did I know Guy #1 was outside chasing Guy #2 in circles around my car while my little sisters watched from my porch. Oops.

Sign Language, Violence  & All Around Bad Decisions On A Humid Day At The Marina

It was a humid summer day at the Marina. All was fine And dandy as I received numerous free shots at roughly 2pm at Ocean Club. Leaving the company I was with (bad idea) I drove down Harvard street while trying to maneuver my cheesy pop tunes blasting through my iPod. Needless to say I drilled the curb and got a vicious flat tire. Rather then help me out, my man was with another chick at the time. Upon receiving this information my mind began to wander: Revenge? Pain? What type of action should I take to harm this ass wipe? Two friends came to the rescue while a deaf man walking down the street changed my tire. I Googled thank you in sign language for his good deed. First stop – a random shed behind the hotel on Morrissey where I find a shovel. Proceed to Columbia Road where I spotted the shit stained vehicle my man drove. Three whacks with the shovel and the windshield was toast. I huddled next to a parked car and hopped into my getaway car like a straight ninja. The end.

(Note: does not condone drinking and driving or malicious destruction of property.)

Break & Enter At Your Own Risk

Okay, so broke up with my ex boyfriend of 2 years. We owned a house together, so I moved out. He changed the locks. Two months later he is dating a new girl. One day a friend of mine and I were out and did a drive by of the house …. no one was home. We decided to see if my keys would still work to get some of my stuff that was still there. Keys didn’t work so we broke in through the open kitchen window. Upon going through the house I find she has pretty much moved into my house, her stuff was everywhere. Not to mention used condom wrappers on the night stand and a used pregnancy test in the trash. I find the digital camera my ex had gotten me for my birthday a few months before on his side of the bed. I turn it on and what do I find …. naked pictures of the new girlfriend!  So I took the camera and other stuff of mine in the house. Uploaded the nude pictures and saved them to my computer … may or may not have posted them to Facebook and tagged him in them 🙂

(Note: does not condone breaking and entering…or really anything on this entire blog post at this point.)

A Friendly Game of Air Hockey

Once my ex was missing for 3 days, leaving me with a baby and no food or diapers. When his friend dropped him off, shitfaced, I smiled and thanked him. After his friend had left, I turned around and hauled off an upper right punch with all my might and hit him so hard in the eye that his thick glasses were broken and he had a shiner that could be seen from the next galaxy. He landed on an air hockey game, causing further damage. Out of work 2 weeks. He had a very difficult prescription for glasses, and in those days you had to wait for a lab to make them for you.

It was worth it.

Ass Kicked By A Girl

Last year at some point I met up with my ex for a late night. Obviously both of us were lonely, drunk… you know: your typical weekend night shenanigans that end up with you on your bedroom floor the next day hating yourself.

Well, after a little, how should I phrase it, “pillow fight” he got very blunt and says “You can leave now”… What? No recovery time? I’m exhausted, drunk (on the verge of feeling hungover) and you want me to leave???

I got so pissed/ angry/ hurt (cause hey- I can dream that he might change his ways and sweep me off my feet) that I punched him square in his face, knocking off his glasses. I’m talking straight haymaker, right hook, Mike tyson style punch. So while he was keeled over, holding his face for dear life, I walked off, slammed the front door of his apartment and proceeded to get into my car.

“Well look here!” I said to myself as I stared at his beautiful chromed out black jeep Cherokee and before you know it I was giggling to myself as I took my car keys and proceeded to frolic around his car keying the crap out of it.

Then, I got into my car, texted him “you got a nice car there”, drove off and waited a few minutes and drove by his house again. I beeped and waved as W saw him, dumfounded, staring at his beloved car in the middle of a school parking lot.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.
Mama Knows Best

This story isn’t about me, but it’s about my mom in the 80’s. My mom is a pure-bred Quincy girl. She was the crazy, loud, funny, tough chick. She had this boyfriend back in her senior year of high school and suspected him of cheating on her. For the next couple weeks her and her best friend K would follow him home in K’s dad’s car. Finally one night they saw him take another girl in the house. The two of them climbed up a tree next to his house and slid in the open window, to find him banging this other chick. K started beating the shit out of this girl (who was stark naked) while my mom did the same to her now-ex boyfriend.

Car Trouble

I was dating a kid who cheated on me with a friend of mine. One night I saw her out at a bar. I went out in the parking lot and saw her car and wanted to key it or slash the tires … but a guy friend I was with told me to put oil in her gas tank. He just so happened to have a bottle of oil in his truck.  I made sure to put every last drop of oil in the bitch’s gas tank. Come to find out it ruined her entire car,  and they had to replace the entire engine and fuel lines 🙂

Taking The IOU To A Whole New Level

First off, Quincy guys are nuts too. Like, psycho. I kicked out a guy who had been living with me because he stole money from me. That night he slept on one of our mutual friends couches. When that friend came home from work the next day my ex was gone, and so was 200 bucks out of his undies drawer. The psycho part is that my ex thought he was being courteous by leaving an “IOU” except it wasn’t an IOU, it was a “Victoria owes you”. Yup, my ex wrote a note saying that I had ruined his life, so it was my fault that he needed the dough and I will pay him back. Luckily our friend found this ridiculous and didn’t come after me with a baseball bat and a horses head which is what I’m pretty sure my ex wanted.

Anddddd Saved The Most Psychotic For Last…

I had an old friend who was in the most psycho relationship going. The guy was a hard core junkie, and he beat the crap out of her all the time.   There was no trust on either part (nor was the trust really deserved because they were both crazy train and cheating on the other left and right).   So, one day, I get a call from the friend saying that she had enough of her man, and she put windshield washer fluid in his blue Gatorade before he went to work.   She asked me what I think she should do, should she tell him or just leave it
be.   He didn’t die, so I don’t know what the hell she did.

A few weeks later, I wake up to texted pics of what appears to be a naked 14 year old girl from a number I don’t recognize.  I start deleting, deleting, deleting thinking good lord some one’s framing me or something for child porn.  I was a step away from calling the cops on the psycho sending the texts when my cell rings from that old friend.   Before I can even begin to tell her about the craziness, she goes, can you believe that my boyfriend had these pics of this little girl on his phone?   He gave her drugs and had sex with her and took these pictures.   She goes on to say, I’m going to send them to her parents, but i want you to keep a copy for safe keeping.   I was like what?  No, i can’t keep these pictures, this is crazy.   You should call the cops on him.  She goes, no the girl’s 18.  She wouldn’t call, instead she had them printed off, and started a fight with him one night, and kept throwing different copies of the pics at him.  He ended up beating the crap out of her, their neighbors called the cops, and she climbed out of the window to get away from him, and basically landed at the cops feet.   The boyfriend was pulling at her hair so hard to pull her back into the apartment, he pulled out a chunk of her hair and scalp, that the cop found in the apartment.   He got arrested, somehow the child porn wasn’t discovered, and two weeks later they got back together- like everything was fine.  Then he bought her plastic surgery.

Another time, she went through his car looking for signs of cheating. She found genital wart cream instead. So, to get back with him, she sent out a mass text to all his and our friends letting us know that
he had genital warts.   I’m really not sure what she thought she was accomplishing by this because everyone assumed she had them too.   I’m just glad she wasn’t on Facebook!

Only in Quincy!

Well, now that I’ve lost in my faith in humanity, let’s give a hell yeah for the weekend! Hellllll yeaaahhhhhhh!


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