Day 1.

12 Mar


Yesterday on my lunch break I was walking downtown to CVS to purchase some apples and cinnamon oatmeal (the best oatmeal flavor, hands down), when I started experiencing some pretty severe stomach pains. If I had abs, I would describe the pain to be in the upper right ab, just below my ribs. I had to turn back because the pain was so bad. I sat at my desk and crouched down into a sitting fetal position for a few minutes to see if the feeling would pass. It didn’t. I couldn’t eat anything or concentrate, so I decided I needed to leave work and go to my doctor. I go to my doctor’s office and as usual, it was a bullshit and pointless visit. The nurse takes my blood pressure, then tells me the lab is closed. Okay, so this was pretty much a waste of a copay, I think to myself. She brushes it off as an isolated incident, then dismisses me. It takes a lot for me to go to the doctor’s so I was highly annoyed.  I head home, then start doing what all nurses, my sister included, tell me not to do: I Google and WebMD all afternoon, and find myself a diagnosis: my liver is angry at me.

So why do I self diagnose myself with angry livers disease? Well, because I cannot live in denial about how abusive I am to my liver anymore. I mean, we can joke around on social media the morning after a crazy night and say “My liver hates me right now, hehe!”. But the truth is, livers are some shit. Everything has to go through them and get metabolized or whatever the fuck happens (I’m not a doctor). They are overworked. Especially my liver. My body is basically like a sweatshop for my liver.  I like to drink a glass of red wine with dinner. I know, “But a glass of red wine a day is good for your heart!!!!” Well, in America, a glass of wine actually means a chalice of wine, sometimes a bottle if you are dining with a friend. I also drink a 12 ounce sugar free Red Bull when I get to work every morning, as well as an additional 8 ounce sugar free Red Bull when I work 12 hour days three times a week. Usually when I get home and go to bed I am so hopped up on caffeine that I will take a Simply Sleep (basically Tylenol pm without the Tylenol). On weekends,  I go out. You know how that goes when you’re 25 years old. To sum up: I am a caffeine addict who also loves Italian dinner traditions (cue the red wine chalice) and sometimes takes sleepy meds because whoever says Melatonin works is a bullshit liar hippie freak! (if it works, I am jealous of you). So I decided yesterday, as I lay on my couch Googling in fetal position, that whether it was my liver that was causing me pain or not, I would cut the shit. No more caffeine – tea only, no more wine with dinner unless I am at the Olive Garden and need something to help me forget that I am at the Olive Garden, and no more sleepy meds.



As usual, I want to kill myself when my alarm goes off at 6:30am. The first few minutes of being woken up unnaturally makes anyone want to swan dive off the Neponset River Bridge. Nothing new. I doze off standing up in the shower for 10 minutes, then throw my fanciest Quincy girl business casual attire on, and pop some B-12 and vitamin C as I head out the door. Of course the sky is cloudy, like my mind. The drive to work without caffeine can be described best as the feeling of disappointment we all felt during and after Britney’s 2007 VMA performance. I haven’t begun to come out of that “I want to kill myself” phase that usually passes upon rising from my bed. I listen to my favorite radio show. Nothing is funny. I scan the stations hoping to hear Beauty and a Beat, the only Justin Bieber song that gets me going. I can always count on some shitty station playing it during my 30 minute commute. No dice. I drive in silence, like a complete serial killer.

Upon arriving in Chinatown, I opt for the more expensive parking garage because it doesn’t require that I walk outside to get to my building, and I’m feeling sorry for myself. I walk to my desk, head hanging. My coworkers shake their head as I sit down. I look like SHIT. I check my email, and get pissed off when I see how full my inbox is. I also check my voicemail, and get pissed off all over again. Not sure why. I deal with my first real life person of the day. The friendly and pleasant interaction leaves me pissed off. I chug my water, nothing happens inside of my body. No dopamine or serotonin is released. I am pissed off. I am too lethargic to go on a Dunkin Donuts run. I bribe my coworker into going for me. She brings me back some green tea. That doesn’t count, right? Anyways, I chug the green tea.  It does nothing. A dull headache has begun to set in. I hope my liver appreciates all I am doing.

This is bullshit, B-12 is bullshit, green tea is bullshit, every other oatmeal except apple and cinnamon is bullshit, life is bullshit.



Have you ever given up caffeine and wanted to punch kittens? Don’t send it to! Because Molly is too busy withdrawing to care!


3 Responses to “Day 1.”

  1. rebecca March 12, 2013 at 6:11 pm #

    im pretty sure that tea has more caffeine in it than coffee

    • Molly March 12, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

      It does. BUT 1. I cannot do dairy so I don’t drink coffee often. and 2. Red Bull has like 100x more in it and it’s less the caffeine and more the high corn syrup that makes me want to stop with it.

  2. Kristina March 12, 2013 at 6:54 pm #

    Had you eaten anything that is different from what you normally eat?

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