Your Life Would Make A Shitty Reality Show

25 Mar

I find it kind of smug when ordinary people say that their lives would make a good reality show. It takes a lot to make a reality show good enough to watch, what makes people think that they could be some break out star because something ordinary happens to them? People are all like, “Pretty sure I just got out of getting a ticket because the cop saw my cleavage! I swear I could have my own TV show!” or “Ate a box of Caramel Delights to the dome, couldn’t make this stuff up! Need my own show!” or “The kids are being wild today!!! Three wild and crazy boys under the age of 8 running around with water guns!!!! We could have a show on TLC!!!!”. Um, no. Your life is boring/sounds like hell on earth, and your show would be boring. And if your life isn’t boring, you should at least know that no one gives a shit about your kids. Didn’t you catch that “spontaneous” meatball fight on Southie Rules? Your show would be about as funny as that scene. Besides being wicked at catching tuna, the key ingredient to a solid reality show is the cast’s ability to literally not give one fuck. You need to be willing to be seen as the bad guy. You need to talk about bodily functions in front of a national audience that includes both your grandmothers and not give a fuck. You need to be willing to make yourself into a Heidi Montag-esque creature then disown your mom in front of a country. You need to be willing to act like a total trash bag hick from West Virginia, banging dudes on a friend’s bed in front of an MTV crew and be totally nonchalant about it. And you need an entire group of friends who give even less of a fuck. If you aren’t willing to get arrested, bullied, degraded, f*cked, or at least fake these events to the point that you’re in USWeekly, then your show would suck. Sorry that you got locked out of your apartment like everyone else in the world has done at some point or sorry you peed the bed this weekend and had a friend tape it in an attempt at getting on The Bad Girls Club, but Snookie and JWoww pee inside local establishments behind the bar in front of a camera. You’re not outrageous, you’re just a slob and no one is going to give you a show. I mean, you have the right to know. Carry on.

Love Always,

Simon Cowell

…Now that I think of it, I’m pretty sure I said out loud to my friends: “We would have a pretty good reality show, you guys!” over lunch this weekend. There ARE exceptions (Mtv: call me, maybe?).



One Response to “Your Life Would Make A Shitty Reality Show”

  1. sexualselfsabotage March 25, 2013 at 9:45 pm #

    So… I’m pretty sure that my life would make a good tv show then!

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