Why Can’t We Be Friends?

3 Apr


I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not in the market for new friends. I’m not a bitch, I’m just lazy when it comes to forming new relationships. If it happens, it’s usually out of convenience (we work together, we both date guys that hangout together, etc.). But then there are those people who you meet and immediately think to yourself, “There is NO potential for friendship here”. So who are these people? I’ll tell you who I absolutely cannot be friends with.

1. People who don’t understand the concept of TENTATIVE PLANS. Sometimes when we are ending a hangout sesh with someone, out of habit we say things like, “Let’s do coffee next week!”. That doesn’t mean we have set plans to do coffee next week. It means we have MAYBE plans to do coffee. We didn’t confirm an exact date to get the coffee, we didn’t decide who would drive to the coffee, and we didn’t decide on where we would be drinking the delicious coffee. So I get pretty annoyed when next week hits and without exception, this person who doesn’t understand what tentative means is calling asking if we are still on for coffee. Then they act all hurt when you say that you are kind of spent from a long day at work. They throw the word “ditched” out like we are in 4th grade and don’t get tired after a 50 hour work week. Fuck off, I don’t get coffee, I get beers, and I don’t get beers with you because you get butt-hurt over petty shit like me breaking a coffee date.

2. People who think that you haven’t lived until you have kids. I get it, you have kids and they are your life. Totally normal. But I don’t have kids and nothing is more annoying than when people who have kids insist that life doesn’t start until you pop a few humans out of your vagina. Really?  Because I’m pretty sure that even though I haven’t reproduced yet that I am alive and well and enjoying my time on earth without a spawn of myself mooching off my boobs as well as my paycheck. I’m not living? Whose the one who can book a vacation on a whim that doesn’t involve Storyland, diaper bags, and a Chrysler Town & Country with McDonald’s fries wedged between the seats?! I didn’t judge you for being 16 and pregnant, please don’t judge me for not having children.

3. People who twist what you say for the sake of screaming their opinion at you: Some people think it’s acceptable to scream their opinion at any given time. Do you, girl…but don’t think you don’t look batshit crazy in the process. Even if I agree with you, you are not helping whatever cause you are standing up for by screaming like a total psycho at innocent bystanders.  Example: So one day I am out with this girl, and a friend of ours who has a little boy. Ironically, we were out for coffee. I noted how well behaved the little boy was and absentmindedly say out loud, “I think I want all boys when I have kids, he is SO good!”. I said it without meaning it, and without thinking. I just said it. Of course I love girls and want to have a little girl of my own someday, I was just complimenting this girl on her little boy’s good behavior. Maybe I am just used to the more devious  little girls I’ve babysat in my life, so I accidentally stereotyped, who knows. I’m human and sometimes don’t think before speaking when I feel comfortable. Either way, I didn’t mean to generalize. So this girl FLIPS the fuck out. “ALL BOYS ARE WELL BEHAVED?! THEN WHY ARE THERE MORE MALE PRISONERS VERSUS FEMALE PRISONERS?!?!?!?!”. Um…woah. Not what I was trying to get into. It’s fine to be opinionated, and to stand up for what is right. It’s alright to want equal rights for women, everyone should want that! But stop twisting everything into a black or white picture to fit your agenda. I was complimenting a mother for how well behaved their kid was, and this chick who clearly knows I am not sexist, is ranting and raving about women’s rights like she’s doing women some kind of a favor by screaming at me in a coffee shop with kids and their moms everywhere. I’m with ya, I want women to be treated equal. We don’t need to go busting out prison statistics and crime rates after I note a 3 year old’s good behavior while out in public. Get me the fuck away from someone who needs to pull out a human’s right issue that has nothing to do with anything we are talking about, just so they can get some anger out while I’m trying to enjoy some java. All set with loose cannons. Needless to say, that friendship was terminated after countless freakouts.

4. People who collect from the government and get their nails done more than they apply for jobs. Then again, I can’t even be friends with these people on Facebook, let alone in real life. These people fall under the category of people who take more selfies than they apply for jobs. Here’s an idea: maybe if you spent half as much time on job search engines as you do uploading pictures to Instagram, you’d be the next Mark Zuckerberg by now! But really, I can’t imagine calling one of these people up to vent after a bad day at work, only to hear that they are pissed their unemployment check hadn’t come in yet.

5. People who think ONLY of the opposite sex: How ridiculous when you want to have a girl’s night out with your friends, and there is that one girl who wants to bring her boyfriend, or meet up with the boys after an hour of chilling. Can’t you enjoy the company of other females for ONE NIGHT without seeking attention from the male species? Fo realz. Or when you are having a good time at a bar and some of your guy friends want to leave because their aren’t enough hot females there for them to look at. Sometimes it feels like no one can have a good platonic time anymore. Maybe I just feel this way because I’m not single, though. I’ll give them that…

So yeah, if you exhibit any of the above behavior then maybe that’s why we can’t be friends =) But I’m sure you don’t want to be friends with me either. Who am I kidding?!


One Response to “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”

  1. William Tells All April 3, 2013 at 8:12 pm #

    “People who think that you haven’t lived until you have kids” have it all wrong. In point of fact, one has not SUFFERED until they have had children. Upon reflection, this point will surely underscore your thoughts of the day: some people are BLEEPING clueless and/or hopelessly passive/aggressive.

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