2 May

Selfies: the virtual way to let your internet acquaintances know how into yourself and how corny you are. There is nothing wrong with taking a selfie every now and  then. Sometimes if I get a haircut that I like, or if I’m three sheets to the wind, or I need a new Because Molly Said So profile picture, I will take a selfie. But what makes me el oh el is when people take selfies then say something of no relevance to the selfie under the selfie. Like, there is a picture of them in a blazer and they’re all “Do what you love!!!“. Okay, so you are passionate about the blazer you picked up at H&M for $34.99? I hear you, girl! Or like, sometimes there is a totally random quote underneath the selfie that is supposed to be inspirational or something. Like, a picture of a girl looking lost in thought, with a caption that reads “And she vowed to never look back!”. Like, what the FUCK are you even talking about?! No, really though. Stop it. The second hand embarrassment is burning my cheeks!

The  funniest selfies are when girls take a picture of a low cut t-shirt they are wearing (usually a sports themed shirt), their boobs being the only thing visible, and they make some comment like “Go Bruins!“. Ahh, this selfie has NOTHING to do with the Bruins. Name one fucking thing that happens during the game, then tell me you are just showing off your support by purchasing memorabilia. This selfie has to do with you wanting to show off that your t-shirt is a showcase for your breasts. The sole purpose of this selfie was to show off you boobs, and that’s all. There is nothing wrong with this, I don’t judge. Upload the shit out of your cleavage until you have no more memory in your phone and you’ve offended your entire family. I just wish these chicks would stop the facade and hashtag #myboobs instead of pretending the selfie was about whatever stupid shirt they have on.

Sometimes the quote underneath a selfie is a country song lyric. A picture of a girl standing in front of her bathroom sink in flannel and the quote is like “Oh nothing’s sweeter than summer time, and American honey“.  Um, you’re uploading selfies, talking about summer time or some shit, and you’re wearing fucking flannel indoors in a bathroom. And the positions these girls put themselves in just to get the right angle. Positions that no human would ever attempt unless they are seeking total discomfort, paralysis…or the perfect selfie. Like, doesn’t your spine hurt from all that twisting to get your ass in the shot? Then they pucker their lips out, but just a little bit so they look natural and not like full on duck lips. The rest of their face is all serious and forlorn looking, as though they are thinking of something much deeper than concentrating on taking the perfect selfie. Filter is set to Kelvin. You look like you are taking a shit. Nice excuse for a selfie, you self absorbed weirdo. But let’s just cut the shit and call a spade a spade and a selfie a selfie!



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