Things White People Love: Fall.

11 Sep

Nothing says farewell to Summer like a clogged up Instagram feed filled with pictures of pumpkin lattes, pumpkin coffees, pumpkin beer (with the cinnamon sugar rim or go home), pumpkin donuts, pumpkin carving, pumpkin pie, fuckin’…pumpkins. That’s why I tried to get my pumpkin beer picture sent out via newsfeed back in August. I needed to beat the rush. I’m the original  hipster Fall-lover. I liked Fall back in 90 degree weather, from the high top table outdoors at the Marina, on the first day Shipyard made an appearance since last year. Before it was cool and people were still uptight about reminding everyone that Summer is pretty much done, I WAS THERE TO ANNOY YOU. Yeah, I am the one that all of the uber- contrarians on social media complain about:

“We get it. It’s Fall. No one cares that you’re drinking a pumpkin latte you dumb bitch.”

“Dear Caucasian-female-comfy-sweater-lovers: Shut the fuck up.”

“Is it almost Fall? I couldn’t tell with all the Starbucks spiced latte pictures. YOU ARE THE PLAGUE!!!”

I just made those up. But anyways, do you know what’s next? Ugg season. The other precursor to Winter. The footwear that us ladies won’t stop wearing despite men’s constant reminder that they are ugly and that in Australia people wear them to take the trash out. Newsflash men: we don’t dress for you. We dress to look better than other women. Because we are literally insane. And the only way to accomplish this desire to be better is by wearing weird-ass sheepskin moonshoe-esque boots that haven’t been in style since some guy wore them to walk from his kitchen to his trashcan in the land down under.

Also: Don’t forget another fan Fall favorite of white chicks everywhere: yoga pants. Camel toe city. But at least they show off the bums we don’t have while we are busy never doing yoga in them. Some women- namely from Quincy- even like to pretend that these tight workout pants are business casual and wear them to the office. Nothing says “professionalism” like the outline of your vagina in a pair of Victoria’s Secret anti-slacks.

Fuckin’ Fall. LOVE IT.



3 Responses to “Things White People Love: Fall.”

  1. Brett September 12, 2013 at 12:22 am #

    My wife wears yoga pants frequently. They’re just sweatpants with a better story. I told her that sweatpants say to the world, as Jerry told George on Seinfeld, “I give up. I can’t even be bothered to put on pants with pockets.”

  2. Alison September 12, 2013 at 2:18 am #

    Glad you are back! Shits funny 🙂

    • Molly September 12, 2013 at 4:01 pm #

      Thanks amiga!

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