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Shit You Get Excited About When You Work In An Office

12 Sep

Work in an office? Ever notice the trivial shit you get excited about at work? I work in an office and I find myself celebrating the small victories day in and day out.  Just yesterday the girls at my work decided we needed a better spot to eat our lunch. We have a lunch room, but we use it more for storage. The girls cleared off the lunch table, moved the microwave and then when they were done everyone else got up to peer into this 6 X 6 foot room with no windows to gush over it. Like, we literally just moved a microwave from a table to another table and you would think there was an apparition of Jesus Christ in one of our Lean Cuisines. We were even more stoked about the new surge protector I had ordered so we could use the microwave, toaster or Keurig without having to unplug things first. Sad, bro. But that’s just what happens when you become an adult robot. You get excited about electrical potential and possibilties, lunch table space usage, and Lean Cuisines that taste decent.

Here are some other things you might get excited about around the office:

Staple Eaters: Or as boring people might call them, “staple removers”. There is a good staple eater, and then there is the bad kind. This is the good:staplesAnd this is the bad:

staples2I don’t know, I don’t get it. Maybe it’s the grip. Not sure. But the latter just makes me want to stick my head in an oven. It’s all about removing staples with ease. You don’t want any of that only half the packet removal when you have to tear a pack of paper apart to get to the rest of the staple you need to remove. You want the job done in one swift maneuver. And if you don’t then you must be a serial killer. That’s all there is to it.

Casual Fridays: Can’t hate on casual Fridays. That’s a given. Usually I’ve used up all of my favorite business casual attire by the time Friday morning rolls around. The feeling I get when I am ripping apart my closet looking for some work clothes only to realize that I am allowed to wear jeans to the office is comparable to waking up and realizing it’s Saturday. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch. But it’s definitely a relief. One of the biggest conundrums I have yet to face is when I started at my new job recently…on a Friday. I was faced with the decision of going with the casual Friday flow or making myself look professional for my new endeavor. Felt like a bag of dicks when I walked in wearing my nicest blouse and everyone else was wearing skinnies and flip flops.

Freshly typed signs/notes: Nothing makes me feel like a new woman more than retyping my chicken scratch notes. Or re-doing a sign for the office. You thought that list of extensions looked nice before? Well how do you think it will look if we make it double spaced and put it in Tahoma? Maybe make the department headers in bold. Yeah, you like that?! Much cleaner. Really gets me going.

The WB Mason delivery guy: Knock knock? Who’s there? IT’S WB FUCKIN MASON! BOOM NEW SUPPLIES! It’s like Christmas day. We’ve got new staplers, and not the shitty kind but these kind that are shiny and more versatile:

photoFits right in your hand. Also doubles as a mirror. What else do we got?! We got jumbo paper clips, no more of those shitty baby paper clips! The dog days are OVER. Fuckin, toner. The ink ain’t faded no more! We got tape white-out…forget that runny liquid shit that takes 10 minutes to dry. We got Post-It’s. But oops, we got 1.5 X 1.5 canary yellows instead of the 3 X 3 canary yellows. Now we want to die. Such a wide range of emotions on WB delivery day. It can go either way. The things you do to us, Mr. Mason. The Christian Grey of office supplies…plus a mustache.

Clear Push Pins: I got 99 push pins, but a wide variety of color ain’t one. Um. Sorry in advance for typing whatever I just typed. But seriously. ain’t nobody got time for those tacky ass colored push pins. And I am being literal here, so don’t think this paragraph is about race. I want my bulletin board nice and clear with all clear push pins. Or even all one color. JUST ONE COLOR. Does that make me not fun? Maybe. But I think the fact that I like cubicle knick knacks balances out my fun factor, no?

It’s Like Ten Thousand Forks When All You Need Is A Spoon: Forget knives, Alanis. Offices always seem to have a shortage of spoons. Got soup? Well, you’re fucked. You better learn how to eat that shit with a fork. And you know why? One word: YOGURT. Everyone eats at least one yogurt a day in an office setting. I do it, and I don’t even like yogurt.

Order Out Day: Perhaps even more exhilarating than Casual Friday is Order Out Thursday, or whatever day it is that you order out in your office. Caesar wraps on top of Caesar wraps and all the delivery guys know your name. Try not to be that asshole (me) who only has a debit card. Fucks with the entire flow when you have to ask “can just that buffalo chicken wrap be on a card and the rest can be cash?”. What a dick. FOOD’S HEAHHHH!

So anyways, you non-office robots can judge us for pathetically swooning over WB Mason’s mysterious aura, and the color of our push pins, but unless you spend a week in an office, you just don’t understand.

Namaste.

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5 Responses to “Shit You Get Excited About When You Work In An Office”

  1. William tells all September 12, 2013 at 6:22 pm #

    It just hasn’t been the same around offices since phone books went online.

  2. Patricia Donovan September 12, 2013 at 6:28 pm #

    I love it Molly, and I understand what your saying. Its so TRUE, all of it. LMAO

  3. Tracey September 12, 2013 at 6:54 pm #

    “The Christian Grey of office supplies…plus a mustache.” Best line I’ve heard in a LONG time…Almost spit out my free office coffee!

  4. Alison September 12, 2013 at 8:26 pm #

    “Got soup? Well you’re fucked.” LOL best line ever. All of this is true…

  5. jennypugh September 17, 2013 at 7:02 pm #

    I agree with it all. I thought all of my Christmases had come at once when the stationery fella brought us tiny baby staplers instead of normal ones. With tiny staples. Like two staplers met, fell in love and had baby staples.

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