People I Want To Punch In The Face But Never Will Because In General, I Don’t Like To Break Laws Or Rules Or Make People Feel Bad In Front Of Me.

2 Oct


I went for my first bridal dress fitting 2 weekends ago and almost puked up the 8 Wheat Thins I ate on the way to the bridal shop when lo and behold: the dress was tight. I had lost weight last Fall and told myself instead of stressing out about losing more weight for the wedding I would just maintain the weight I was at. Welp, 592 Bud Lights, 34 bottles of Pino, and 10 Shipyard Pumpkins later, here I am, 5 weeks before my big day on the most stressful weight loss program that I’ve made up as I go OF MY LIFE. I quit drinking. I quit Pizza Connection. I quit buffalo chicken. I quit everything other than Shakeology, Smart Ones, Fiber One bars, fruits and veggies, Special K (the cereal, not Ketamine), and gallons of water a day. In a nutshell: other than losing weight, my life sucks. I mean, I’ve Googled “Christina Aguilera weight loss secret” 6 times in 6 days so that gives you a pretty good idea of where I am at in the mental health department. (Her secret is Garcinia Cambogia which is a natural wonder drug that shrinks you 5 sizes for $16.99 at your local vitamin store! That’s right, the miracle weight loss supplement we have all been waiting for is HERE!). 

That said, it is typical for people whose lives suck to want to punch people in the face. That’s why I came up with this Buzzfeed-esque list of people I want to punch in the face. But I’d never, because that’s trashy.

Here is the list:

People who look at your machine at the gym: Why are you looking at my machine? Are you jel that I’ve burned 23 more calories than you because I’ve been here 4 seconds longer than you? Maybe you should focus on getting on a level higher than 1 when you have your elliptical set to manual. How about you look up at the television and creep on Anderson Cooper instead of my machine? Or since you are so wrapped up in my life you could do me a kindness and walk on over to the cubbies and pick me up an US Weekly so I can use it to hide my caloric business from your bitch ass face!!!!

But seriously, this machine peeping shit brings me back to 4th grade when someone is staring at your spelling quiz trying to get your answers. It makes it all the more awkward when the peeper knows you know they are peeping. Maybe you lock eyes and your heart stops. And honestly, it’s not fair that the peeper makes us feel that weird. It’s really not.

Uber-contrarions of social media: Everyone is all pumped up about something trivial in life, like celebrity gossip, or TV shows, or Molly arrests in the Quincy area. I for one do not think much about it when I tweet. I just tweet as I please without much regard for other people’s opinions/feelings because what I have to say is usually some moronic fucking thing about something else that is fucking moronic. Nothing over the top. Nothing offensive or radical. But leave it to the heroes of social media to remind all of us simpletons who don’t take Twitter seriously that we are simpletons who don’t take life seriously because we are jackasses. We post that we are tickled about some dumbass show we watch winning an award, or that we are not tickled about some other dumbass show winning an award. The uber-contrarions take a second away from their Huffington Post article to tweet something like “Who gives a fuck about Katy Perry’s amazing rack when AMERICA IS GOING DOWN THE PORCELAIN SHITTER AS WE TYPE AND THE TEA PARTY IS BEING TEA PARTY-ESQUE CRAZY AS FUCK AND ALL ANYONE CARES ABOUT IS POP CULTURE!!!!!????”. Only they say it more eloquently than that and in 140 characters or less. They also think us simpletons don’t notice that they tweeted the exact opposite of our opinion 4 seconds after we have stated it. Well you know who cares about Katy Perry’s amazing rack? And you know who cares about Anna Gunn’s emmy? And you know who cares about the post-op who just got Catfished? Me, me, and lastly… me. And I know that makes me stupid and shallow, thank you very much. And if you don’t like it then maybe you should just move to America’s hat because I’ll be here for awhile, fucking shit up and giving us a bad name via the Twitterverse. Unapologetically.

People who make things political issues when they are not: Look, I said I liked Paula Deen’s recipe for apple crisp. I didn’t say I endorse the views of racists. Apple crisp is good. Racism is bad. I like my apple crisp warm with a side of whatever ice cream is not expired in the fridge. Paula Deen is a cunt, apple crisp is not. Don’t twist my words because this is just an example that I made up, I have never even tried that bitch’s apple crisp recipe. If she even has one.

Another example: I overheard an argument recently about Robin Thicke being a rape promoter because of his song Blurred Lines. I thought the song was catchy. I wasn’t offended by it, other than it being a little overplayed. I was indifferent to it, but also took pleasure in being reminded of Alan Thicke every time it played on the radio. Anyways, the chick arguing with another chick goes, “This song is about rape, listen to the lyrics….See? He just asked the chick if she can breathe because he’s taking advantage while she’s passed out and he is saying the lines between consensual and nonconsensual are blurred!!!“. The other chick replies, “Oh, I thought he was making a reference to smoking some good weed“. Just like, stop making shit into shit it is not. Leave thy shit ALONE! Just listen to the music, and LIVE.

Baby can you breathe? I got this from Jamaica…

Anyways, I’m sure there are more people I want to punch in the face, but those 3 things took up long paragraphs that seemed to go on and on and draw no conclusion so I’m going to give it up and watch Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition on Lifetime instead of continuing at this juncture in the blog.



2 Responses to “People I Want To Punch In The Face But Never Will Because In General, I Don’t Like To Break Laws Or Rules Or Make People Feel Bad In Front Of Me.”

  1. Susana December 6, 2013 at 4:11 pm #

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