Someday It Will Be YOUR Wedding/Baby Shower That People Are Dreading.

4 Oct



The sky is blue. Smoking causes lung cancer. Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally is a solid mnemonic device for math shit. Mortimer Goth is the heart of my Sim town. You cannot escape a black hole once you meet the event horizon. Gwenyth Paltrow is probably a cunt. Blue whales consume four tons of krill everyday. There are ugly babies. Crunching leaves is satisfying. Adult bodies contain 100,000 miles of bloods vessels.

You might be wondering why I am rattling off random facts. Yes, those were facts and it’s non-negotiable. Well, there is no reason I rattled off random facts, really, other than to bridge into this fact: no one likes wedding &/or baby showers. No one. I know this, you know this, everyone knows this. What kind of fucking psycho wants to sit there with people, who they sometimes might not even know, watching a probably undeserving friend or family member open Crate and Barrel boxes 118 times in a row? No amount of mimosas in the world can make it that good of a time. Bearable, maybe. Until wedding bingo or “What’s in Your Purse?” games are handed out for guests to play while they are served luke warm eggs or mass produced chicken broccoli and ziti. Not to mention no one is ever considerate of the single women who are out binge drinking until last call the evening before, because if you’ve noticed, these showers always take place in the morning!!!!

Anyways, after major snoopage I have pinpointed a time period during which my wedding shower is taking place. I can’t wait to walk in decked out in my best church attire: a white dress and blue stilettos (something blue, duh!!!) and throw on my best surprised face. “I THOUGHT WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO MY FINAL INTERVIEW BEFORE THE INTERVENTION, BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!!!!”.

I know that every single one of them will be thinking, “She doesn’t deserve that stainless steel colander…I DO!”.

Someday it will be your day to be that bitch who doesn’t deserve the stainless steel colander. Someday…



2 Responses to “Someday It Will Be YOUR Wedding/Baby Shower That People Are Dreading.”

  1. billy mcdonoigh October 4, 2013 at 6:02 pm #

    why can’t the presents just all be booze you may never use a colander .

  2. Felicia McNally October 4, 2013 at 8:13 pm #

    such a creep! relaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx i happen to LOVE LOVE LOVE wedding and baby showers! As long as there is booze and food!


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