Now What?

21 Nov

The honeymoon is over, the bouquets are dead, the photos are being edited, and the Allure dress has a big rip in one of it’s 1,000 layers of tulle and what appears to be a merlot (or blood?) stain on the bottom of it’s enormous train. The Vera Wang tuxes are back at Men’s Wearhouse and the table name holders with street names of all my favorite places are probably broken or in a trash can somewhere. The 230 overpriced mason jars are probably sitting in the sinks with beer residue of 93 families who attended and somehow drunkenly remembered to take their favors home. The wedding I, ate, slept and breathed for 1 year is over. Now what? I felt kind of timid on social media yesterday after seeing multiple girls share a link to a HuffPost article entitled The 5 Most Annoying Facebook Posts About Being Engaged. I hesitantly clicked on the link and cringed. Had I been that annoying for 1 whole year? Absolutely not. I’m the shit. But it was a pretty accurate description of annoying Facebook posts of the recently engaged. When I post on Facebook I try to say something good or nothing at all, at least 28 times a day (joking?). I guess “something good” is subjective, but no matter what you post on social media, whether it be that your life is great, your life is tragic, a genius (or ignorant) political stance, or that you just went poop at an Arby’s, there is going to be some uber-contrarian Facebook acquaintance that is annoyed and takes to Twitter to passive aggressively tweet that they don’t care about your wedding, your politics, your shortcomings, your turd at Arby’s. And then you will probably rebuttal with a tweet of that Emoji with the long face. Because on this rotating axis of cyber space, we are all complete pussies (ew, I hate that word). That said, sorry to all of my Facebook friends and blog readers for being annoying for a year. I’m especially sorry for soliciting votes to win $2000 for a gown. That was a low point. At least you can take solace in the fact that it’s all down hill from my wedding. What now? Inevitable weight gain? A husband becoming increasingly fascinated with power tools? Eating meatloaf once a week? Sending Christmas cards of our pets? Never missing an episode of Inside Edition? Enjoying Chronicle’s episodes of the highways and byways of Vermont? Becoming content in absolute boredom? Looking forward to recently added Netflix documentaries? Being one of those people who go to wine tastings and spit the wine out? Asking Santa for a new vacuum? Oh wait, Santa won’t come until we decide to create a human who won’t appreciate all the money and wrapping efforts Santa puts into Christmas. Sounds wonderful. So there, I apologized for being the annoying engaged girl. But I’m not anymore. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some crockpot recipes to Google while I cry in silence over the fact that on my honeymoon a Jamaican waiter reminded me I am now no longer a Senorita, but a Senora. Game-Over-super-mario-bros-33105820-1280-1024


One Response to “Now What?”

  1. William Tells all November 22, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

    Arby’s are still around !?!?!? Whoddathunk . . . .

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