First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Not Getting Pregnant For At Least 4 Years.

27 Nov


“When are you going to try for a baby?!”

I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. I guess that’s what happens when you get married. People assume you want to pop out a human 9 months after the honeymoon. It’s an exhausting question to answer (“Not for a few years, I want to travel first”” is the standard response that everyone knows is probably bullshit because we never get to do everything we want to), so I just fake laugh before changing the subject to zombies or dogs on the internet or my new Wutang shirt or Miley Cyrus not having an ass for latex.

Listen,  I don’t get offended when I am asked, because most people who get offended easily are pompous douches, but it’s kind of rude to ask someone when they are going to get pregnant. You don’t know what someone’s preference is or if they can even get pregnant. Maybe not everyone even wants babies. Like, what if I hate babies? What if babies killed my best friend with arsenic? Or what if babies held my head underwater in a pool, claiming they were playing a joke on me but held it under for 3 seconds too long and my life flashed before my eyes before they let me up for air? We all know how scary that can be. And not  for nothin’, but babies don’t even have jobs. They just poo. Do I really need that sitting around my one bedroom apartment? A poo’ing mooch?


So you see, asking people about getting pregnant is just not right. It’s probably on par with asking single people if they are in a relationship/okay with not being in a relationship/are looking for a relationship/have tried new activities or online dating with the hopes of meeting someone. How do you even expect someone to respond to that? “I’ve tried online dating, but no bites so far! I think I need to change my dating profile title to express that I’m an animal lover looking for an outdoorsy Democrat who prefers holding a real book to holding a tablet”. C’mon. People who inquire about other peoples’ love lives should exist only in coming of age offbeat comedies with awkward but endearing protagonists. Any who exist in real life should be either direct relatives we don’t like or punched in the face for not minding their own.

The worst is when someone who is around my age or younger with a kid asks about fertility related shit. I feel like they just want to feel less alone because they are 24 with an 8 year old who wants an Ipad for Christmas (not that there is anything wrong with that – being a young mom, not the Ipad for an 8 year old…there is something kind of wrong with that). Oh, and when you say you aren’t interested in having kids yet, they are like “Just don’t wait too long! It’s nice to have energy when you have a toddler running around, getting into everything! Tons of exercise!”. Look, when you have children, I’m pretty sure you don’t sleep no matter how old you are. I’m sure it helps to be a little bit younger with natural energy, but why do I need to rush the cycle of being tired? And why can’t you shut the fuck up?

For the record, babies didn’t kill my best friend or waterboard me. But they ARE mooches. And they totally poo a lot (no offense).80580358


2 Responses to “First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Not Getting Pregnant For At Least 4 Years.”

  1. crystal November 27, 2013 at 8:09 pm #

    lmao i can totally relate! Been married for 2 years, still no babies, because we are TRYING to wait… and as for traveling, you wont be able to get everywhere you want, but you can cross off quite a bit, we have been taking trips every year, enjoying our marriage.

  2. Donna December 11, 2013 at 10:28 pm #

    Again! Hilarious! My husband and I dated for 12 years before we got married (at age 29) and everyone asked when that would happen. And we were just like “I don’t know”. And after the long awaited wedding, we got the “are you gonna have a baby” b/c you know, I was pushing 30 and had one foot in the grave. And b/c people expected me to be expecting, they started asking me if I was pregnant! Hi, I’m 5’2 and weigh 100 lbs. Unfortunately for me, empire dresses were in style, so everyone thought I was pregnant. Here’s some advice; put it off as long as possible! Your life is O-V-E-R when you have kids, sorry, but it’s not about you and him anymore. If you have them early, you don’t “get your life back”. They get pregnant at 18 and come live with you and you start the process all over again. I had 1 at 34 and 1 at 40, and since 2001 we’ve worried about someone walking in when we have sex; or waking up, or puking, or pooping; so sex, wait what is that? (so infrequent that when I told hubby I was pregnant with #2 he congratulated me and asked who the father was)…only fools rush in! Best birth control in the world; offer to babysit someone else’s kids for the weekend while they get away or get a puppy first.!

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