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Black Friday Muthafuckin’ Shopping Guide!!!!!!

29 Nov

Dear Psychos Who Start Black Friday Shopping On Thanksgiving,

Fuck family time and sleep. We will sleep when we’re dead (unless death is just eternal darkness, but that’s kind of heavy for a shopping guide blog!) Anyways, did you take Black Friday off for the 17th year in a row so you can start it up early? Perfect. Because I want to give you a few tips to make your Black Friday adventures even more successful. I mean, how else are you gonna get that flat screen TV for 28% off? Regular sales will never suffice. Here we go:

Tip NuMEro UnO: Liquor yourself up. Science (and mortifying experiences with Poland Springs vodka) has shown us that a good buzz loosens us up and lowers our inhibitions. This is absolutely necessary when we are about to embark on a big shopping night. We need to be drunk, mentally exhausted, and feelin’ good about swiping our plastic for deals on shit we don’t even really need. Our sober brains might tell us “Molly, you don’t need the pasta roller for your stand mixer. Your cooking sucks shit and you need to stop buying things thinking they’ll make your chef skill level go up.” But our drunk selves? “Mollz, you’re the next Rachel Ray, give or take 11 pounds (give). Get the attachment and your pasta will bring all your stoner neighbors to the hall!”. I mean you’re going to need to be completely and utterly inebriated to rationalize spending your Christmas savings on 7 Roombas just because they are 20% off on Black Friday. If you aren’t drunk already from a day spent with relatives, throw some nips in your bag and GO!Roomba530_onRug-2k2smlz

TIP NUMBAH TWO: If you are in a Target, and you see a crowd making a mad dash for something, run with the crowd. Even if you don’t know why you’re running. Get in the fucking game. It’s probably a deal on something really important, like a Hamilton Beach waffle maker for $24. You need it. You love making waffles annually. I know that mad dashes during large sales can be scary, but embrace it. It might lead to trampling, but there’s nothing that will make you feel more alive than risking your life, as well as the lives of  all the other psychos risking their lives for cookware under $30. Think of it as a moshpit, minus the music, fun, and club drugs. Haven’t you ever heard of a little something called “survival of the fittest”? Only the most physically fit deserve the waffles. This will just prove that.waffle

Tip TrOis: Show no remorse. If there is only one Furby left in the entire Kmart, and you notice an elderly woman eyeing it, throw a little elbow in there and dive for it. Not enough elbow to sue, but enough for her to know that you are younger and stronger than her and that furry faced electronic thing is YOURS. You might be one of those good people who feel bad if an old person’s eyes twinkle while they think about that Furby bringing so much joy to their granddaughter’s life….but erase that image from your head and remember that Furby is $57 TODAY ONLY. Even if your own kid didn’t ask for that fuckin’ Furby, a bargain is a bargain. And you can’t beat yourself up about that.Furby2012Purple

Tip number QUATRO: Have FUN! You are out tonight with 4 of your fabulous gurlfriendzzz having a ladies night, drinking nips of Smirnoff in your 99 Town & Country, staked out in an Old Navy parking lot doing what YOU DO BEST: bargain hunting. This is like the night of all nights. It’s like if the Christmas Tree Shop and Ocean State Job Lot fucked and had babies, then sold those babies for 30% off. One night only. Go big or go home. Am I right?

Just kidding. You’re all crazy. I know life gets hard sometimes, but camping outside a Walmart to get a deal on throw rugs? The Soda Stream will be there in the morning, and the single mom with dreams the size of Oklahoma working her 56th hour this week will be there with it to ring you up. But things are getting out of control. There is literally nothing worse I can think of than going to Big K on any day of the year, but at midnight or whenever it opens on Thanksgiving/Black Friday? Hell on earth. Just go to bed.

Fuck.

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2 Responses to “Black Friday Muthafuckin’ Shopping Guide!!!!!!”

  1. vidinsinbrisbane November 29, 2013 at 12:58 pm #

    I freaking love your blog.

    • Molly November 29, 2013 at 2:49 pm #

      Why thank you!

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