Elf On The Shelf Alternative

3 Dec

Notice that after Thanksgiving people start posting less about pumpkin lattes and more about their elves on the shelves? Kind of annoying. Like, I understand that you have kids but I don’t and I’m still into Fall and you just want to change the subject from pumpkin to your uncreative positioning of a creepy, gender neutral, midget-guy-thing in a red unitard. Rude, but I digress.elf-on-the-shelf-e1384447891694

One thing I’ve noticed about Americans is that we love too much of a good thing. We want good things to stay with us all the time. We can’t just drink a glass of wine with dinner, we have to binge drink a bottle of Sutter Home to the face, before noon, on a Sunday, at our grandmother’s and chase it with a bottle of her unlabeled pills (wait, what?). We go big. I’ve also noticed that Americans love talking about alternative lifestyles, because most of us are ignorant assholes who label differences with more sugar coated words. Due to these observations, I have come up with an alternative lifestyle for elves on the shelves. He (notice no gender ambiguity) is called The Savior Up In Yo Manger (“manger” meaning your house, because nothing synonymous with “house” rhymes with Jesus, Christ, or lamb of God – go ahead, why don’t you try?!). The Savior Up In Yo Manger is similar to the Elf on the Shelf, except in the form of the Son of Christ, and it never leaves. Because why just have a lurchy inanimate object stick around during the holidays when it can live with your family year round?jesusdoll1

The backstory to The Savior Up In Yo Manger is also pretty much the same as the elf’s story: a relentless/sometimes hypocritical narc with a seemingly pleasant demeanor who spends His free time watching your children in total silence. And parents, don’t stress out about where to put your Savior, just keep Him in the room your child feels most comfortable. If you play by the Elf on the Shelf rules, your children know that they best behave in front of the Elf because the Elf reports all insolent activity back to Santa. The Savior Up In Yo Manger’s key difference from the Elf is that He doesn’t report to Santa. The Savior Up In Yo Manger reports to a much more serious guy upstairs: God. That’s right, let your child know that the Savior is “sent” in a special package from “God” in “heaven” to seek out the sinners of your flock! Instead of the dreaded coal in the stocking that Santa threatens, if there is sinning in your household, your Savior will let God in on it, and your little cherub will be damned to an eternity of Hell. Best part? The book Your Savior comes with will put your children right to sleep! Because it’s a children’s bible! Sweet dreams precious angels!

I mean, you can continue on with the Elf on the Shelf tradition, but do you really want to do something that has become such a “thing” these days? Remember: you’re an American, you love (or hate) alternative lifestyles. And why threaten your children with coal when you can threaten them with infinite years in a fiery abyss? Go big or go home.

Unrelated: how do I sign up for Shark Tank?!


One Response to “Elf On The Shelf Alternative”

  1. David S. Bridal December 3, 2013 at 6:18 am #

    Sheer brilliance Molly! Jesus Christ this is a great idea!

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