My Wedding As Relived In An Absurdly Long Blog!

5 Dec

So I know it’s been a month but I am finally going to blog about my wedding. It took me until today to process what the fuck happened that day I guess. It was that magical.

People who are planning a wedding: everyone tells you that it goes by so fast, and that you’ll get this made up disorder called “Wedding Amnesia”. If I had a crack rock for every time some know-it-all recently married bitch told me this, I would be one paranoid crackhead right now. But, as a non-crack-smoking recent bride, I can admit it’s true. The entire wedding was a blur. I was also told to stop myself in the middle of the wedding and take it all in. I remember trying to do this, but then someone else would come up to me and gush about this and that. So it was hard to take a moment for myself to take it all in. The same thing will happen when you get married.

Let me start the details off by saying that I did not sleep the night before. Not because I was nervous for the wedding, but I was nervous that I wouldn’t sleep. I’m a psycho and once the “you won’t get any sleep” thought creeps into my mind, I usually get no sleep. I took 4 Tylenol PM. I know, not good for my liver. Still no sleep. I walked around my parents’ house during the wee hours of the morning, pacing like a total weirdo, freaking the dog out. At around 9am I just gave up on the tossing and turning thing and went to Marshall’s with my sister so she could look for a clutch. Is it weird to peruse Marshall’s on your wedding day? Bargains a bargain, you guys. I just felt like it would be awkward to run into someone I knew and make small talk (“So…gettin’ married today, huh? Well I didn’t just blow my savings on mason jars and $25,000 of my parents money on feeding 230 people so I just got a sweet deal on Ralph Lauren polos…have fun at the wedding!”).

After my shopping excursion, my bridesmaids and their hairstylists came over around noon to start getting ready. (Quick plug: If you are looking for amazing bridal styles, or a hairdresser in general, check out Kristen Murray from Zona Salon in Norwell and Stephanie Kowlski from Gorgeous Styles Ect. in Weymouth. Also if you want a spray tan that doesn’t look fake go visit Melissa at Urban Beauty Lounge in Quincy).Mimosas began flowing, and they flowed for a solid 5 hours. Except I could only have one because I didn’t want to be shitfaced walking down the aisle. I could hear David Tutera screaming at me in my mind not to get drunk before at least 8pm, or maybe I was just tripping on Tylenol PM but I disgress. Either way, sitting around getting your hair and make up done on the most important day of your life is nervewracking and you are definitely going to need a drink. So to not be able to drink? Hell on earth.gettingready1gettingready

A relieving moment that took me away from the chaos was when my photographer, the WONDERFUL Kristen Conte of Conte Sound Productions got to my house to take my getting ready pictures. Except I’m an asshole and got ready too early. Like legit, put my dress and everything that goes with it on before the photographer got there. Big no no! You want pictures of your dress on the hanger, your shoes, your bouquet, all before you are wearing them. And I’m not saying that because I’ve seen it on Pinterest! It really is a nice touch to have pictures of your mom and sister helping you get your shit together on your wedding day. God knows I could get that corset laced up without family pushing my fat around so it would fit properly into the gown. I felt like Rose fucking Dewitt Bukater.rose

So Kristen was patient with me as I got un-ready, then snapped all her shots as I got re-ready. She actually was so normal and down to earth that she made me feel relaxed. She took the pictures and I barely noticed she was even taking them. I did a photoshoot on my honeymoon, most awkward moment of my life. I’m talking, barefoot in the sand, cheesy poses, fake laughing kind of photoshoot. Looks like a Sandals commercial, THAT corny. I feel like having that awful experience makes me qualified to give a professional opinion on the difference between a great photoshoot, and one that makes you want to punch a dolphin. And Kristen’s photography was amazing.

If I can give any advice to a bride, it’s that you want to feel comfortable with your photographer. Ryan and I went to Rhode Island to meet Kristen, and her husband Tom, who was our DJ, before we officially booked them. We both loved them so we “knew” they would be right for us. Once you find Mr. Right and get engaged, you also want to find your spirit guide photographer/DJ/videographer/uplighters. And Kristen and Tom and their whole crew were our wedding package soulmates.

Cut to the limo en route to the chapel. My flowergirls and parents rode with me to the church. I Facebooked for some normalcy. My flower girls were saying they were having a panic attack because it was too hot in the limo. Um, you serious, ladies? You’re having a panic attack? I had to flag down a groomsman as he walked by from inside the limo and rip his flask from his Vera Wang suit. That’s where I was at, so scram with your panic attack lies!church

Once inside the church is when my memory gets hazy. Canon in D starts. I start walking with my dad. “Don’t trip. Don’t trip. Smile you fucking fool!” is what I am screaming in my head. I see my childhood friends. I lean over and whisper “I am SHITTING MY PANTS.” Oops, hope nana didn’t hear that. That is the only walking down the aisle moment I vividly remember. Classy. Then I get to where Ryan is standing and he looks so handsome and I thank God that he is hot and negotiate with God to make him age sexily even if it means I have to deal with Call of Duty for the rest of my life. We then alternate standing and kneeling and accepting the Eucharist for 45 minutes of hot and heavy Catholic church ceremony. Vows recited, didn’t stutter, BOOM, married, let’s drink.church1church3

The most insane moment of a wedding occurs directly after the ceremony. It’s when you have to gather all of your half-in-the-bag bridal party and take pictures. Again, this is when you want a calm and collected photography team who has experience wrangling drunk people together for a photoshoot. Some of my friends were at the packie getting booze for the after party. When we were all together, Kristen took charge and got the pictures done as quickly and as painlessly as possible. Got some good ones that I will add to this blog when the entire collection is complete. I wish I could tell you how the steak and buffalo chicken on a stick was, but I forgot to eat it. This is going to happen a lot, brides: you are going to forget to eat. Try to remember, or you will get too drunk and David Tutera will scream at you in your shitfaced mind.gazeboAfter pictures were finished and the bridal party was announced, and Ryan’s best man said “Molly has a huge fart” instead of “huge heart” in his speech, and Tom Conte (our DJ) sang all of my favorite crooner songs (my family LOVED this part of the wedding, the singing during dinner is one of my favorite things about Conte Sound), it was time to make the rounds. Saying hi to literally everyone and their mother. I am so grateful to everyone who came, but you can’t get much meaningful conversation in with loved ones when you have to say hello to 230 people. It’s mainly just “hey, how are you, thanks for coming, sure let’s take a pic!” and it never fails that the flash isn’t working on their camera, so you spend 20 minutes at each table taking 50 pictures until the flash works properly and you stop caring if you have a double chin or not. I just wanted to get out onto the dance floor and cut a rug with everyone in the fucking world that Ryan and I love instead of worrying about more camera phone pictures. Needless to say once we got to the dance floor, we were happy. As Kristen captured wonderfully:


The floor was so bumping that the videographer stayed longer to get it all on our video. But all good things seem to end very fast, because before we knew it the wedding was over, my dress was ripped and there appeared to be a merlot (or blood?) stain on it, and we were saying good bye to everyone we had just said hello to until the only ones left in the hall were me, Ryan, the Tirrell Room crew, and the Conte crew. If I hadn’t had such an amazing time, I would have wanted to light myself on fire because it was depressing that it was over. Luckily, we still had an after party to attend at the Marriott. It was more amazingness until it was daylight, except I’m almost 100% positive that I witnessed someone getting teabagged in the midst of all the fun. As every know-it-all bride before me told me, there will be some things that go wrong, and if a teabagging at the after party was all that went wrong, I can’t complain.

dance3A special thank you to all of our fabulous vendors for making our big day run so smoothly. If any bride-to-be’s are reading, please check these people out. I promise, you will be happy with how things turn out.

Kristen and Tom Conte and the rest of the Conte Sound crew:

Melissa of Urban Beauty Lounge:

Kristen Murray of Zona Salon in Norwell, MA:

Stephanie Kowlski of Gorgeous Styles, Etc:


One Response to “My Wedding As Relived In An Absurdly Long Blog!”

  1. Donna December 11, 2013 at 9:38 pm #


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