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Let’s Start Pretending Your Life Isn’t Shit Sometimes.

13 Jan

When Facebook started becoming a thing, one of my dear friends gave me the best advice: never post negative information about your life, ever, unless it’s funny and light. And those were some wise words, because when I see a dramatically negative post from the same people on any form of social media, I almost always either A) groan, B) cringe, or C) laugh, screenshot, send to a friend in that exact order. Just kidding (kind of). But really, no one except your mom cares about your constant bullshit because everyone knows you are just being over the top and slightly crazy in the empty silence of your annoyed newsfeed.

Like I said, you’ll see a trend in who is posting the negativity all the time. It’s the same 3-4 people. Its like they don’t sleep, but connect to the internet to get their energy on an hourly basis. And I’m going to tell you who these people are. Ahem:

The people who have the “shittiest friends in the world”. Constantly letting the world know via Facebook that their friendships are crap and everyone lets them down despite the numerous times they were a loyal to them by bringing them Mary Lou’s to their work twice. They channel their inner Kristin Cavallari by bringing back “dunzo” in reference to their friendships. Example:

“So DONE. If you want to be my friend, then be my friend. Otherwise, here’s the door!”

Um, where’s the door? I don’t see it because we are on the internet, and it’s a dark place filled with Justin Bieber, blatant racism and block letters. Do you want your friends to give you a firm answer about the fate of your friendship underneath your status? If your friends suck, maybe let them know with a drunk text instead of letting 1,392 acquaintances know about it. Just remember to screenshot that text and Instagram it. PS: If they really are crappy friends, everyone is already on their side.

The people who lack attention to detail: If you ARE going to post about how sucky your life is, at least give us the dirty deets. Nothing more frustrating than when your standard Debbie Downer posts something obscure that leaves us hanging. Example:

“Wow. Just wow.”

Wow what?! Elaborate. WE NEED TO KNOW! This does NOT look good on your resume.

The people in God awful relationships. If your relationship is that bad, leave. It’s so weird when people go on a virtual tirade against their partner, especially when you know that their boyfriend or girlfriend has a Facebook and is obviously reading everything being said about them. Then the next day the same person who said all thebad shit is posting selfies of the two of them doing kissy faces. Example:

“Sick of being with someone who berates me in front of my friends, doesn’t encourage me to do what I love, holds me back from being successful, and makes me stifle my laughter. I love him but I just cannot do this anymore. I.JUST.CAN’T. –feeling defeated.”

Like, that is some pretty heavy shit. People just describing the exact definition of an abusive relationship then forgetting it happened in the morning. You can delete the post, but we remember. I mean, aren’t these people worried about turning the world against their partner by bashing them online, only to be cool again, perhaps do a little apple picking with them, all within a 12 hour window? That was a stupid question.

The employees of the month: Nothing boggles my mind more than when someone posts anything remotely negative about their job. Example:

“Got written up today because I was 35 minutes late. It was either be on time or get McDonald’s breakfast and since I overslept and didn’t have time to make a toaster strudel, it was a no brainer. I refuse to go to work hungry and it’s not my fault the line for the drive-thru was 17 cars long. A Newman’s Own is a Newman’s Own and if my boss can’t see that then she can say it to my f*$!ing face! Why does my life fucking suck?”

Glad you risked your job for a McGriddle, then risked it again by sharing it on the internet. Thanks for the morning entertainment. Idiot.

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Look, we all have first world problems. Right now, my ice cube tray is filled half with solid ice cubes, while the other half are water. I hate warm vino, but how am I supposed to get an ice cube out of that tray without spilling the water all over myself? I don’t fucking know. But do I need to let everyone on the internet know that my entire life is shit because I’m having a bad 26 seconds? Like my friend told me, you gotta have the “I know I’m not perfect, but I take it in stride” attitude when it comes to what you share online. Or you can post whatever you want, I mean it IS your page, so why am I judging? But let me ask you this: Do you really want your frenemies to know that you drunk drove into a corral fence, pissed your slacks, then told the police to eat multiple dicks? Because your frenemies think it’s awesome that you might go to jail.

I don’t know. I guess we need these people in our news feeds. They might just be the heart and soul of social media. So I take it all back, TELL US EVERYTHING.

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