Quincy: 2nd in Excitement.

30 Jan


Guess what, you guys?! Quincy Massachusetts ranks 2nd out of 10 in the country when it comes to exciting suburbs. And while this is an “exciting” feat for us Quincy folk, I have read a lot of snarky commentary on the world wide web in regards to our ranking. No one can just be excited about our epic excitement. People saying things like “Are you fucking joking?!” and “What in the ever living fuck?!” and “What the FUCK?!”, and I just want to remind all the haters out there about all the excitement that Quincy has to offer:

Quincy is home to OLINDY’S! Want to throw your kid the most exciting birthday bash since last year’s Papa Gino’s make your own pizza fiesta?! Well, nothing spells excitement like a bowling alley that hasn’t been renovated since it was built. Vintage! Don’t forget the Hoodsies, helium tank, and Ellio’s! Strike!!!

Quincy is home to KAM MAN! I’m not really sure what Kam Man is selling nowadays, I think it’s a supermarket/knick-knack super store/bamboo garden/tapioca haven or something of that caliber, but when I was in high school it was the PLACE for off-the-truck knock-off pocketbooks. If you wanted to be a real Quincy girl, but couldn’t afford the Dooney & Bourke bag, Kam Man was where you’d get all the hottest merch so that you’d fit in with the crew who stood in front of McDonald’s smoking before school. So fetch!

Quincy is home to every single chain restaurant in the country! You want McDonald’s, Wendy’s, BK, Applebee’s, Pizza Hut, Dairy Queen, Chipotle, Dunkin Donuts, Panera, 99, Friendly’s, Papa Gino’s, Domino’s, D’Angelo’s, KFC, or Taco Bell? Or is it a Go-Go Taquito from 7-11 that you crave? Quincy has one of these franchises, guaranteed, every 27 feet. BOOM! Get fat!

Quincy is home to TWO high schools! Do the girls at North think you’re a slampig? That’s okay, you can go to Quincy and carry on your slampig ways like it ain’t no thing. Did you not make the cheerleading team at Quincy? That’s okay, you can go to tryouts at North and not make that team, too! It’s all about the OPTIONS! Makes life EXCITING!

Quincy has an active nightlife! Suffer from alcoholism? Well, you’re in luck because Quincy has roughly 342 saloons to quench your thirst (or maybe like 19, I forget). Do you think Milton cares about your substance needs just because they gave their town Abby Park? They don’t. Quincy cares. Again, it’s all about the options. And it’s EXCITING. (RIP Alumni Café!)

Quincy has nature: Like, trees. And paths in the marsh. You know, like a lot of nature and marijuana smells. All of the exciting components of natural beauty. I guess.

Quincy has a FIRST NIGHT: A night on New Year’s Eve when the entire city gathers in frigid, child-infested crowds to admire décor and shit. I don’t know about you, but I have NEVER heard of any other city in the history of America having a First Night. JUST Quincy. It’s kind of…exciting.

So next time you idiots forget how exciting this suburb is, just remember all of the above shit that makes Quincy so exciting. Then you’ll keep your damn trap shut! Quincy: where the potholes are paved with gold! Just kidding, the potholes are paved with chunks of our tires.

Disclaimer: I love Quincy. Just being a jokester. Oh, and Dooney & Bourke has never and will never be fetch.


One Response to “Quincy: 2nd in Excitement.”

  1. Bill February 5, 2014 at 4:54 am #

    Alcohol for sure.

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