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Getting Yo Eyebrows Did

14 Feb

I like when people ask me to blog about things. And today, someone asked me to blog about getting my nails done. Unfortunately, I don’t feel qualified enough to blog about that. I got my nails done for proms, and my wedding. That is all. Wet N Wild is my spirit animal (sad?). If you want to read a blog on getting your nails done, Google “Anjelah Johnson nail salon” instead and you won’t be disappointed. To make up for my lack of cuticle wisdom, I will blog about getting my brows did. It’s less about getting your brows done in general, and more just a story about the last time I got mine did.

Ahem!

Ever notice how much you need to get your eyebrows done? Probably not, because you never know how much you need to get those bad boys waxed until after you do it. Cleans your entire face up! You might get the hint that you need to tidy up when you see a picture of yourself on social media that 983 of your “friends” have already gotten a glimpse of, but that’s about as close as you’ll get. Last month, I caught a glimpse of those creepers on Instagram and booked up 20 minutes of my Saturday morning for a visit at my girl Kim Marie’s in Wollaston…

So it’s about 10 am on a Saturday. I get to the salon after illegally parking in the Santander parking lot across the street (woops, just blew up my own spot!). I walk in the door to about 7 Asian women immediately look up at the door. I lift my Dolce’s up for the big reveal and announce “eyebrows!”. A petite woman approaches and leads me to a chair. Tells me to lay my head back on the rest while she gets someone for me. I comply, then go through that awkward “When do I shut my eyes?” phase of the whole ordeal. This happens about 5 more times throughout the entire brow waxing process.

My girl approaches, someone who hasn’t worked on me before. She says nothing other than “Hello, how are you?” and I LOVE IT. That’s what I love about going to Asian salons. I am unsure if it’s a language barrier or not, but the best thing about going to an Asian salon is the lack of pressure for me to make small talk. And I promise I am not generalizing based on race, this is just my experience at these salons. I just don’t find it relaxing to chat it up with a stranger. But anyways, waxing begins…

As homegirl is getting my wax ready, another chick who looks about my age sits in the chair next to me. A woman, who I imagine is her mother stands by, assuring her that everything is all good. Weird. Why wouldn’t it be? Is there a carbon monoxide leak in Wollaston? I don’t think so. I sniff the air for a non-smelling poison…

The hot wax is being spread underneath my right brow line. My arms muscles tense up a bit, this area is my least favorite part. The strip is firmly pressed against my eye, and RIIIIIPPPPPPPP! Ouchie, eyes water. Next eye!

But before I can brace myself for my left eye, I hear someone start whimpering next to me. Then a sharp shriek. HOLY SHIT! My eyes open up right quick and I almost get whiplash from how fast my head jerks to the left. Chick next to me is crying and in some kind of defense ninja pose and the girl doing her waxing looks slightly amused, but in a patient way. The girl’s mom tells her to shush and that this needs to get done. This mom is the Abby Lee Miller of eyebrow waxing sympathy. No empathy. I’m with her. MAN UP, BITCH!

Homegirl goes to my left brow, wax on, RIIIIIP! Eyes tear up, homegirl asks me soothingly if I am ok. But I don’t care about myself anymore, yeah, yeah I’m fine. My eyes are open, but squinting at this point, shifting to the left. It appears from the maneuvering of the shadows next to me that this chick is getting her stache’ done, but I can’t be too sure. Her waxing lady goes in for the kill again, the girl gasps, and boom, another loud ass shriek. Is this real life? Sobbing begins. Wax goes over my brow lines, RIIIPPPPP! RIIPPPPP! I don’t give a fuck anymore. This animal next to me is white knuckling the salon chair crying out for mercy!!! I hear her mom say something about a unibrow and I am convinced that I have time traveled and that it’s Sophia next to me getting her brows done, while her mom Farrah Abraham judges from 3 feet away. I want to tell this animal that it’s okay, that there is some kind of cartilage in between her eyeballs on the bridge of her nose that makes the rogue hairs the least painful to wax off. But I sit in silence as homegirl applies lotion and rubs my temples instead.

It’s.Just.Too.Comfortable…

But I am telling you, some women are ANIMALS. And this animal in particular regained composure when her mother informed her that she would treat her to Friendly’s if she shut up. Animalistic as fuck, but at this point I could have gone for a Fribble and Supermelt myself. I decide against the calories and throw an extra few bucks into a tip. The women who work at these salons are dealing with subhumans on a daily basis.

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One Response to “Getting Yo Eyebrows Did”

  1. Patricia Donovan February 14, 2014 at 6:15 pm #

    Oh my god this has got to be one of your all time best. LMAO with tears rolling down my face, HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA

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