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Do Snitches Really Get Stitches Though?

24 Feb

Do you have a few people on your newsfeed who you probably met in high school and are a little “rough around the edges”, but you cannot imagine de-friending because they are simply too entertaining? I have a handful of them and I hate when I mention that and people respond with “I don’t have friends on MY Facebook like that, and would never”. I might be a total bitch, but I’m not a snob. And by “I’m not a snob”, I mean I’ll accept most friend requests for my own benefit.

On a daily basis these people are rambling on asking if anyone is around to babysit their kid or give them a ride to their job that happens to be 5 towns over or to trade food stamps for cash, all via Facebook status. And honestly, I LOVE IT. I love it because WHAT THE FUCK?! I don’t have kids, but if I did, I’d hope they’d be a little more important to me than begging 923 acquaintances to sit with them while they watch TV in exchange for a Dunks coffee while I am out getting my nails done. It’s bizarre that people don’t realize that this is not okay. If not because it’s not safe, but more so because it is shameful. Put an ad on Care.com, call the fucking Babysitter’s Club, but try to refrain from soliciting childcare services on a domain that you just used to check into Chili’s. As for the social media hitchhikers, no one is around to give you a ride because it’s 10am on a Tuesday. Take the bus.

Anyways, the babysitting/ride thing could be blogs in themselves, I’ve probably blogged them before. What I really want to talk about are the people who LIVE by the phrase “snitches get stitches”. It’s as much their daily mantra as whatever phrase they use to speak into their court ordered breathalyzer every 6 hours. But these guys are just always status updating solely to “put snitches on blast”. Linking articles of police reports, or Patriot Ledger articles to prove that the said snitch is indeed a snitch. The thing is, I get it. I mean, when we break it down it’s just basic kindergarten philosophy: nobody likes a fink. I totally, 100% AGREE. There is a continuum here on the snitch scale, the lowest being tattle tale, mid level being narc, highest being FBI informant. No matter which level one might fall on, none are very respectable. But if you have to constantly preach about it, maybe you need to reconsider your lifestyle? Like, maybe you wouldn’t have to worry about snitches if you would just not get into situations with another person that required them to feel police pressure to snitch on you? And maybe you need to reevaluate your friendships? And maybe JUST STOP GETTING IN FUCKING TROUBLE. Everyone screws up when they are young, but it’s not cool or funny to get arrested every weekend. So like, stop doing it. Because maybe someone “narced” on you, but when you babble on about snitches, no one cares except those who live by the same mantra you do. And those people are fucking idiots. Also, you are “putting a narc on blast” on the social network, which is also not very respectable. Narc: 0 + a plea bargain, You: also 0 – freedom.  Thanks for drawing attention to your ad in the Quincy Sun Hot Spots, you are both morons.

But I digress, mostly because I love the entertainment. hFBB073D0(Sorry in advance for using a Condescending Wonka meme to express my feelings, but it’s just how I feel and I can’t help that.)

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One Response to “Do Snitches Really Get Stitches Though?”

  1. Nicole Boyhouse February 24, 2014 at 8:09 pm #

    How – HOW – have I never seen your blog before. This is amazing. I have so many train wrecks on my FB and I will never, never defriend them because that is high entertainment. I am now going to devote some time reading your archives because you are hilarious.

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