Murderers and Shit

19 Mar


My husband is working the overnight shift for the next week or two and he told me not to tell anyone on social media because announcing that kind of shit on social media just begs burglars to come on in and steal our Star Wars Ebay collectables/Homegoods lamps. I had to tell someone though, so I hope you can keep a secret. Yes…I’m talking to YOU. Don’t tell the burglars. Don’t be a narc.

Being alone is terrifying. Before I lived with Ryan I pretty much lived with Ryan and his friend PK in their man cave, and PK would fuck with me by sporting a Jason Voorhees mask around the property at night. And before I lived with man children I lived with my mom and my dad and my brother and my sister and my niece and my dog all together in God’s Country (Wollaston). And none of them wore Jason masks so things were pretty normal unless I was drunk off of vodka or forgot my house key.

Now that I live with just Ryan, if Ryan isn’t home it’s just me. And Boba Fett, my bird. And wine. And Doug, my pothead neighbor who has no regard for personal space or time. But let’s forget about them for a minute. It’s pretty much just me, and my only defense against murderers and rapists is how annoying I am. I know everyone says that in what they think is this endearing/cute way, and it’s offensive because it’s like no, if you were annoying the murderer would just stab you in the back of the head with a butter knife. I get it. But I’m really annoying. Like, clingy and needy and always asking people to bring me glasses of water. So I mean it in a non-endearing way. I’m really annoying. I’m sort of like that sick child in the book The Secret Garden. Like whiney and pale.

I know I’m 27 and not supposed to be afraid of things other than diseases and dry events and flooded flares with running sneakers, but ever since Lady Gaga paid someone to puke on her during a concert, you just never know. I mean, have you guys ever watched that show on the Bio channel called I Survived? But have you watched it ALONE when you’re not buzzed? I have (once). And it happened to be that episode when the woman hitchhiked and was then sexually assaulted before having her arms chopped off with a fucking machete. Couldn’t sleep after that one. The world is a scary place. Have you ever walked past that bus stop in Quincy Center that is right in front of that dollar store? I have (once – I typically drive because again, I’m annoying, but I had to walk approximately 2 yards from my vehicle to Angelina’s to pick up this buffalo chicken sub that Ryan’s friend raved about and was ultimately disappointing – whoops, TANGENT!). Scary shit. And have you ever had a seance at night in a grave yard in the year 1970? I haven’t, but I HAVE seen the movie Now and Then more times than I can count (sick soundtrack. Rivals The Wedding Singer/Dazed & Confused soundtrack), and I wanted to end this blog on a happy note. Because anyone, at any time, could possibly murder us. And we wouldn’t even know it. Because we’d be dead. And death is infinite. CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING GRASP THAT?!?!?! But that treehouse in Now and Then is SICK! Anyone else ever start up a lemonade stand as a kid to save money for that same exact treehouse? When I wasn’t busy pretending to be the front-woman in a bobsled team via my brother’s Radio Flyer, I was busy being annoying about a treehouse that I couldn’t afford. Sad?



One Response to “Murderers and Shit”

  1. William Tells All March 19, 2014 at 3:52 pm #

    Get a dog, preferably a Doberman.

    They are wicked smart, empathetic to the point of a Vulcan mind meld, LOVE their family, scary looking even without their ears cut, were BREED to protect a German tax collector, and so have a loud bark but are ultimately sorta/kinda chicken.

    Problem solved.

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