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The Psycho at the End of my Street

27 Mar

The weirdest shit happens to me, I swear. One morning a little over a month ago I pulled out of the parking lot in my complex to head to work. My street is a long side street that stretches from one side of Hospital Hill to the other, and I use it to avoid Newport Avenue morning traffic. At this time there was still snow on the ground that had been plowed to the sides of the road. The sidewalks are small as is, but with the snow banks, they were non existent, making the road much smaller in width. I’m cruising along at a steady pace, with my 4 wheel drive on, when I notice in the distance a man walking his dog in the middle of the road. No big deal, there isn’t much room on the road and the sidewalks are inaccessible. I get closer, and the closer I get the slower I go because this guy is not moving himself or his pit bull to the side. I get closer and he looks up from the ground and directly at me. At this point I stop, confused as to why he’s not moving the fuck out of the way. This is when he starts SCREAMING. Legit, screaming at me. I had the windows up and the radio on so I don’t know what he was screaming, but he looked pissed. He starts walking briskly, pulling his dog’s leash, towards me. I go into panic mode and my eyes are darting around looking for a way to get away from him, but there is no way unless I reverse my car. He reaches the driver’s side of my car, still screaming, while I am about to pee my leggings. My mind is frantically telling me to hit the gas and floor it but I don’t want to hit this psychopath’s fucking dog who I can’t see because it is so close to my vehicle.  But before I can think of a plan B, this dude is punching my window. So plan A: I floor it. Don’t worry, I didn’t hit the dog. The guy gives my new Jeep a few more whacks with his grubby mitts as I speed off. I can see him screaming and flailing his arms in my rearview. Au revoir you Ted Bundy ass PSYCHO!

A few days later, I saw him again on another street close to my street. He didn’t notice me because he was busy watching his dog shit on someone’s lawn. So naturally I took a picture:

fuckingpsycho

A few days after that, I got a call from Ryan while I was at work. I could immediately tell from his tone that he was bullshit about something. He proceeded to tell me that while he was at a red light in Wollaston, a drunk Irishman came out of a nearby tavern, approached Ryan’s car yelling in  half Irish accent/half shitfaced gibberish that Ryan could not compute and takes a swing into Ryan’s car (his window was down). Being a 2 o’clock in the afternoon on a weekday drunk, naturally, he missed Ryan’s head and kind’ve half-assed hit him in the shoulder. Ryan, in awe, just looked at him and goes “Dude…what are you doing?”. The drunk stumbled away and all was well in Wollaston.

Fast forward to this morning, I am cruising down my street again, probably around 20mph, when I catch a glimpse of Psycho’s tan jacket in the distance. He spots my car out, and starts wildly swinging his arms in the air like some kind of monkey ass bitch. This time there was no snow, and although he stood directly in the middle of the street in a whack attempt to block me, I was able to do an awkward swerve around him without killing his dog. Or him. Unfortunately.  He did some weird swing, but missed my car.  My future plan is to video my ride up my street every single morning, then post it here so we can identify him and prosecute him for not picking up his dog’s poop. Also: Quincy Police, if you are reading this, be on the lookout for a guy in a tan jacket, glasses, hat, jeans (he is like Doug Funnie in that he wears the same outfit every day, but also like Roger Klotz in that he is a douche), and a pit bull. He punched my car, scares me on the reg, and he let’s his dog poop on lawns (that may LOOK like a bag intended for the collection of poo in that picture, but it’s more likely a bag that was once filled with crack cocaine).

Anyways, I found it bizarre that Ryan and I have random psychopaths throwing punches at us while we are busy minding our own business. Then it dawned on me: this was karma. Karma for being the annoying engaged girl on Facebook! I never have believed in karma before, but boy do I believe in it now.  Let this be a lesson for all you engaged girls: people hate what you’re doing. So shut the fuck up, before you too are getting punched in traffic.

FIN.

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2 Responses to “The Psycho at the End of my Street”

  1. William Tells All March 28, 2014 at 6:57 pm #

    First off, while acknowledge owing a look-like Cathcart style jacket, I am not the guy. For example, I do not have nor have I regularly walked a dog since I stop volunteering at the Quincy Animal Shelter after my legs gave out.

    At the same time, just maybe the problems you and your spouse have been suffering lately with local psycho’s has nothing to do with your extending chirping about your somewhat recent nuptials but rather that your travails are the result of the new normal for Quincy.

    • Molly March 29, 2014 at 3:37 pm #

      Terrifying thought! 😭

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