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Lingerers Lingering

29 Apr

Fuckin’ lingerers, man. People who won’t call it quits and just GO HOME. Most lingerers are lifelong lingerers who don’t take obvious social cues from hosts. For example: if you are at someone’s house until 1am, and that person says “Welp, time to hit the hay!”, you’d go home, right? Some people don’t understand that it’s not normal to linger there, while everyone else in the house has been sleeping for 2 hours. They just kind of sit there, milking the shit out of the end of a warm and disgusting beer they’ve been drinking for 4.5 hours, wondering why no one is entertaining them. It can be awkward for us non-lingerers who aren’t accustomed to loitering in someone’s living room at 3 o’clock. Why do these lingerers put us in the awkward position of kicking someone out of our dwellings? Maybe we feel more comfortable giving someone the boot if it’s a friend or family member. But it can get weird when a foreign lingerer is inhabiting our couch, sometimes for so long that they create ass grooves on our favorite corners of the sectional . I’ve also noticed that most grown men lingerers talk to themselves. Especially when they are in the bathroom. I have an older male relative that used to do that when I was a kid. I’d be lying in my bedroom, and could overhear him from the bathroom across the hall mumbling shit about King Tut. He’d stay until 2am. Everyone has one of these guys in their family. They typically like to drink 40 ounces to prolong their stay in your abode.

About a month ago I reconnected with an old neighbor of mine from before I lived in Quincy. We ran into each other randomly and exchanged numbers. It had been years since we’d seen each other, and I was excited to see her but also had no idea if we had anything in common. I remembered her being a weird kid but I’ve always been drawn to weirdos because I like to keep it interesting. A few weeks after our run in she called me to hang out. I was having a game night with my husband and a few of our friends on this particular evening, and I invited her to come along. She said she was down and that she’d see me soon. Well, 11:15pm rolled around and game night was starting to dwindle down a little bit. I could sense that it would probably end after another couple rounds of Cards Against Humanity (best game ever, by the way!). My old pal hadn’t shown up, or responded to my text inquiring if she was still coming around 8, so I shrugged it off and went back to my friends. So yeah, 11:15pm and suddenly the buzzer to our apartment goes off. I ask my husband if he’s expecting anyone. No. Weird. I buzz the mystery person in, and look out into the hallway. It’s my long lost friend. Great. I would have been more excited to see her 5 hours prior but I’m polite so I fake a little enthusiasm, stifle some yawns, and let her in.  I mean, who the fuck shows up at someone’s house, they barely know, at 11:15pm for game night?! But she’d driven from a few towns over and I didn’t want to just send her away, so I greet her and introduce her to the rest of my friends and she says hello and the night goes on. I notice she has no beverages, so I offer her some of ours. Long and awkward story short: my friends left a little after midnight and this bitch stayed until 4 o’clock in the morning despite me saying “Okay, well time for me to go to bed” 94 times. She just simply….stayed. She also tried to flirt with my husband, drank all the alcohol in mine and Ryan’s stash and after she got a good buzz would not shut the fuck up about comparative psychology. Like, pack mentality in animals versus humans.  Dead seriously sat there talking about hyenas and shit. Don’t get me wrong, hyenas are cool. But I don’t want to talk about hyenas at 4am. I’m a drinker, not a stoner.  I want to go to bed and if hyenas are in my dream then that’s whatever, but get the fuck out of my apartment and talk to your damn self after midnight. Weirdest night ever. Because that’s a lingerer’s M.O.: To stay late, weird us out, drink all of our good booze, and ultimately make us fear hosting game night.

Fucking lingerers, man. Linngggerrrr.

guy-on-couch

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