The Era of the Fengagement

14 May

Australians In Film Awards & Benefit Dinner 2012 - Roaming Show

Have you ever had to feign excitement for someone who is newly fengaged? I use the word “feign” not because I am a coldhearted psycho who doesn’t get excited for newly engaged people. But I am someone who doesn’t get excited when that person is FENGAGED. Because “Fengaged” is the act of getting FAKE engaged. I know what you’re thinking: Why in the ever living fuck would someone get fake engaged? That is something I just cannot fully answer because I don’t fully understand it myself. But I can be topical by adding an “F” before the word to imply that the engagement is fake (adding an “F” before words to imply fakeness is so in right now!).

What I DO know is that people who are fengaged, usually don’t know it. They think they are really, truly engaged, but have a hard time facing the reality that they aren’t REALLY getting married. How do I explain how I know this? Like I said, I have no idea. I just KNOW. Maybe I know based on their relationships. Sometimes we know in our hearts that someone else’s relationship is a load of bullshit. We call these “frelationships”. These couples barely know or see each other, but are still together because maybe they have no depth, and maybe they wanted to combine DVD collections. You ever know a couple like this? You might find yourself wondering what the fuck this couple does behind closed doors. What do they talk about? What shows do they watch? Do they argue about real couple things, like whether or not Leonardo DiCaprio has midget-like features? (I used that real-life example from my own marriage. The answer is that Leonardo DiCaprio does NOT have midget-like features, much to my husband’s dismay). My point here is that some couples are really what you see is what you get. They aren’t real. They are an illusion. They exist as individuals, but not together. They just pretend to exist as a couple by using Facebook as a platform of expression. Sometimes they’ll take pictures wearing matching Aviators, or check in to an aquarium. But deep down, we know that their pupils do not dilate behind those Aviators, and they aren’t speaking while they pass the penguin exhibit. Because they aren’t real; they are a frouple. I don’t know how to further explain this. If you don’t get it, then stop reading now because this is going to get weirder.

Anyways, I brought up frelationships because they lead to fengagements, but enough about frouples and back to fengagements. These fengaged couples get “engaged”, and although I cannot give you a factual answer, I want to take a stab at why they are getting fengaged, thus making us faux congratulate them VIA the internet. Because frankly, with all of these birthday wishes, I just don’t have time during the day for wishing a lifetime of health, happiness, and fornication to fake fiancés (AKA “Ffiances”). Here are some potential motives for frouples to get engaged with no solid future of marriage (fmarriage):

Motive #1. They want new colanders/knife sets/sheets: Kitchen stuff, Egyptian cotton sheets. These things cost money. And when normal humans have money, we usually want to spend it on alcohol. Who wants to spend $100 on sheets? No one. That’s what gift registries are for. Why buy the overpriced ceramic vase from Belgium when you can put that shit on and get it from a third cousin for free?

Motive #2. They like notifications: I won’t lie, I perk up a little bit when I have Facebook notifications. And when is the most notificational time in our life? Other than when we die, it’s when we out our engagement on Facebook! Notification city.

Motive #3. It’s the next step. They’ve been a fake couple since 2007, moved to a duplex in Weymouth where they don’t speak back in 2010, got a cat they call Mittens last year, and booked a Carnival cruise out of Miami with friends for next Spring; why not take the plunge into pretending they are going to live together in holy matrimony before having a quarter life crisis followed by a public internet break up?

Motive #4: Everyone else is doing it. It seems there is an engagement announcement every week now on my newsfeed. This must make those in frelationships feel pressure to get fengaged. How can we blame these fake couples for getting fengaged when Miley Cyrus is doing it, too? That’s like telling the world that it’s okay for Miley to smoke Salvia, but we have to stick with ecigs and Motrin. It’s not even fair.

Motive #5: They are on a reality television show. We all know reality television is fake reality, or “freality”. So what spawns from reality TV? That’s right: frouples. And the attention they get from being the fan favorite couple, forces them to get fengaged.  How else would a spinoff about the frengagement followed by a spinoff of the aftermath of the break up be possible?

I know what you are all thinking: this is bullshit. Why should us normals be manipulated into writing “congrats!” on a recently frengaged couples’ social media announcement? Well, now that I’ve explained some possible motives, I am going to tell you how to spot a fengagement (for those of you who don’t already “get it” and should have stopped reading like I told you to do back in paragraph 2) so we can all spare ourselves 10 seconds:

Tip #1: When you ask them about their wedding plans, they say they aren’t in any rush. Unless they are in med school, old, pregnant, or a celebrity, they are full of shit. People who have 4 year engagements might actually be an unknowing participant in a fengagement.

Tip #2: They’ve had more than 2 past engagements that “fell through”. You know what “falls through” more than once? Plans. Job offers. Offers on houses. Abortions. Engagements don’t “fall through” more than once. Unless they were just never really getting married.

Tip #3: They talk more about insurance benefits than the love they have for their fiancé. This could also be a red flag for a potential murder. Try not to get the two confused.

Tip #4: This is the most important tip: Your intuition. If your first initial reaction to the news of an engagement is “Pshhhfffhhhh!!!! They are NOT getting married.”, then even if you don’t know why you feel this way, they probably aren’t getting married. After all, you know better than them.

Okay, those are the only tips I have. I hope they work, because they might spare us the emotional investment. The same emotional investment we felt when the lead singer of Coldplay courted Estella from Great Expectations for over a decade.  Conscious unfroupling indeed!




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