If Facebook Were Honest

16 May


Facebook: the first place a sad amount of people decide to share good news. Hey, it’s the generation we live in so I’ll hop off my high horse and admit that my engagement was announced on Facebook within 15 minutes of the proposal. People like to share good news on Facebook because it’s the fastest way to spread the word about how good we have it. Life is great! But do you ever find yourself logging in to Facebook to kill some boredom, only to log out feeling kind of down in the dumps? Studies that I am too lazy to provide a link to show that Facebook and depression have a positive correlation. This makes sense: we log in to Facebook and see good things happening to 934 acquaintances. Most of these people are probably within our age bracket and have shitty or at least questionable morals. Sometimes when I log in and see that someone bought a house, I want to rip my eyeballs out. Because I’m currently having shit luck finding a house. It’s easy to find ourselves feeling lesser when perusing our newsfeeds for more than 10 seconds. But think about it: how often do you tell Facebook the bad shit that happens in your life? I only allow people into the crap when it’s funny and light. For example: sharing that I have a hole in my leggings so I colored my leg in with black Sharpie to hide my flesh. That’s a common status of mine, anyway. Not that serious.

Now imagine if Facebook were honest. Here is a glimpse at Facebook statuses versus reality:

Status: “Not feeling well, but won’t let it ruin my day because the sun is shining!”

Reality: “This is the worst herpes flare up of my life,  my week is ruined, and my life might be, too. This sunshine is mocking my misery.”

Status: “Best Disney vacation of my life!!!! Love to see my kids happy!”

Reality:  “I’ve waited in line for an autograph from Elsa for 3 hours. My kids are miserable, sunburnt, and crying. I want to plummet off of Space Mountain and never look back.”

Status: “Officially homeowners!”

Reality: “Does this mean I have to get pregnant? Fuck…”

Status: “COUNTRY FEST 2014!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!”

Reality: “Please tell me no one took pictures of me passed out drunk  in the woods, laying in my own urine, while a 45 year old man tried to feed me bread.”

Status: “Got the job!!!!”

Reality: “After getting fired as a hostess at Pizza Hut, I am now a cashier at Papa John’s. I plan to get comfortable, then steal from the register and blame it on the cook who doesn’t speak English.”

Status: “Best boyfriend ever got me flowers for no reason!”

Reality: “These flowers won’t erase the images burned into my brain of my boyfriend dicking around with the bitch who works at 7-11, but I don’t feel like being alone because I like having someone around to watch Netflix with.”

Status: “Proud new owner of the Iphone 5s!”

Reality: “My mom bought me this Iphone 5s because she is still trying to overcompensate for divorcing my dad in 1996. I’m 25.”

Status:  “Got into college!”

Reality: “Filled out an application for community college because if I didn’t my dad said I can’t live here anymore.”

 Status: “Retail therapy! =D “

Reality: “I ran out of pills. What else triggers a dopamine rush?”

Status: “My friends are better than yours! 😛 “

Reality: “My friend gave me a ride to my abortion in exchange for gas money.”

Status: “Proud new owner of a 2014 VW Passat!”

Reality: “It’s a shame I drunk drove my 2013 VW Passat into a ravine, but I like new things anyways. Plus the 2014 has illuminated cup holders -ill!”


Reality: “I hate my job &/or don’t feel like getting married or pregnant.”


See? Not everyone’s lives are unicorns and rainbows. Just remember that next time you are crying over an ex’s engagement post. It should be a law that for every good news we share, we have to share something equally bad. Equilibrium, man. Equi-fucking-librium.


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