No, I Don’t Want To Build A Snowman. And Neither Should You.

5 Jun


The biggest thing that scares me about having kids is ridiculous. It has nothing to do with irreversibly fucking them up, or not being able to get them to stop crying, or not being able to afford Pampers. But it’s very real to me because it’s one of my current pet peeves: Grown ass women getting obsessed with kids movies. It’s fine to be a Disney fan. I love Disney as much as the next 90’s kid. Lion King, great. Got some wisdom from Rafiki, and learned not to give a shit from Timon and Pumba. Toy Story was the shit. Learned what a sadist was from Sid, and Slinky Dog was my shit. But nowadays when I watch a new kids movie, I say to myself “That was cute”, and it ends there (unless I’m watching the first 15 minutes of Up, in which case I cry). I watched Frozen tonight with my sister in law, who is 7. Frozen, as you all know, is the newest “thing”. Admittedly, I was kind of stoked to have an excuse to watch it because every mom and their mom was posting about it Facebook statuses, and I was hearing Let It Go on the radio, and Elsa was the new hot blonde in town. Well, let me tell you that I watched Frozen and I thought it was the most overrated movie ever. You have two princesses, one of which is fun and happy go lucky. The other one is an ice bitch who also literally turns things to ice and scares everyone off before taking off to live in an ice castle by herself. The parents are dead because what is a Disney movie without a dead parent? Happy princess Anna goes to save ice bitch princess and there are some romances thrown in, as well as a learning disabled snowman. Everyone ends up accepting the ice bitch, the happy princess stays happy, and the snowman learns to deal with his disability, and they all end up being happy, FIN. First of all, I don’t know why everyone likes Elsa so much because she has no character development. She’s just a pain in the ass until she is imprisoned and is forced to face reality at the risk of indirectly killing her sister. Anna is the one who preserveres and isn’t a total Debbie downer. Look, we all have problems. I have crippling anxiety for no good reason. But do I lock myself in a psych ward? No, I just breath weirdly in public, count to 100, and move on. Elsa needs to face her problems and get some durable mittens. Perhaps from LL Bean. Or maybe she needs a prescription for barbiturates. I’m not an expert, I don’t know. Just learn some fucking coping skills, Els!

I guess I’ve steered off topic a little bit. Frozen just wasn’t that great. But even it was that great, I wouldn’t be quoting Let It Go and buying a Team Anna shirt (do those exist?). Frozen isn’t the only kids movie that adult women are obsessing over either. One word: minions. These rag tag yellow guys who play pranks and shit in the movie Despicable Me (I think?). But for all you minion fans out there, I want you to remember that minions are just parasitic marketing ploys who are a direct rip off of the rubber aliens from Toy Story. (Remember “The claw!!!”). I don’t remember my mom ever getting as into the movies that I watched as I was and if she did it would have made the movie uncool (sorry mom, kids are jerks like that). Get your shit together fast because it’s not endearing for a grown ass woman to be sleeping in minion pajamas and buying Olaf iphone covers and shitting themselves when they see a fat kid who looks like Russell from the movie Up. In fact, I would go as far to say that you’ve insulted a chubby child. Good job!

Oh, and stop sharing those viral posts about Andy’s mom and dad from Toy Story. Have you guys seen them? It’s an obvious analysis of Andy’s depressing home life that everyone is sharing with the caption “Wow! I never knew!”.  Even when I was 9 I knew that Andy’s dad was a deadbeat who left the family, his mom was newly single and struggling to pay the mortgage, and Sid was probably poor and either abused by a stepparent or had an alcoholic mother. Someone had to be hitting the bottle in that household while their kid was out blowing up toys with explosives in the backyard. I don’t need a Disney movie interpreter to break down and analyze these things for me. If you were a true Disney fan you would just KNOW. Anyways, I break down Nicktoons:


One Response to “No, I Don’t Want To Build A Snowman. And Neither Should You.”

  1. William Tells All June 5, 2014 at 9:56 pm #

    Just about EVERY Disney movie features a bitch. Don’t you know ANYTHING about Mrs. Walt DIsney?

    On the bright side of things, not all kids are hopeless. One of the proudest days as a parent was when my then 5 year old daughter got the key message of “Blazing Saddles.” Even better, however, a decade later she still doesn’t know bumpkis about Yiddish and which is a good thing my ex could give Mrs. D a run for her money.

    Oh, and the kid’s favorite movie of the past year is “Seven Psychopaths” and she loves the complexity of Shakespeare’s Iago.

    In other words, what you put in, you get out. At least you do at some point after suffering the 1,001th viewing of “101 Dalmatians.”

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