The Picture

17 Jun

Is there anyone more annoying than that chick running around taking candid pictures during a party? Instead of actually enjoying herself like everyone else is doing, she goes from room to room taking terrible pictures when no one is looking. “Oh, but candid pictures are the best pictures!” she probably says idiotically. You know when candid pictures are the best pictures? 1 in every 54 billion times. Because the normal outcome for a candid picture is a triple chin and Amanda Bynes selfie eyes.


I encountered one of these chicks over the weekend. Running around the party like an excited chihuahua taking pictures while everyone else is chilling. This girl even made comments like “Woah Molly, your face is CLASSIC in that one!” before scurrying off toward another poor soul to film without permission. I fake laughed at her warning, but in the back of my mind, I knew what might be coming tomorrow morning, no matter how much I tried to duck out of unwanted photo sessions. I was buzzed so I carried on like any buzzed girl does and kept sipping and forgetting…

The next morning I awoke in a stupor from my iPhone alerting me that I had a text. It was a friend of mine saying “uhhh, there’s a picture of you on Facebook that’s not the best”. My stupor quickly faded and I clicked on my Facebook app. I’m no fool, I have my settings set to no posting without my approval due to way too many people over the age of 50 posting lame memes on my wall. But that setting is of course only on my own wall. The picture could be seen by anyone who was mutual friends with me and this girl and a few other friends/family members who were at the same party. Basically everyone could see the picture. And this picture can be described exactly how I described 99% of candids: triple chin with Amanda Bynes eyes, while holding an alcoholic beverage to make me look extra inebriated. Plus it looked like I was with child. So that’s cool. One of my friends (who is not mutual friends with this girl, but someone else who was also in tagged in the album) had already commented on it. Great.

As much as I get annoyed with the girl who takes candids at parties, I get equally annoyed with people who take Facebook too seriously. But this was just a bad picture. I also found it odd that this girl had other pictures of me in this album that were decent, but she had only tagged me in two awful pictures. Ahem, BITCH DID IT ON PURPOSE! Let’s call a spade a spade here. I picked the worse of the two pictures and I messaged the girl. (Note: I would upload the screenshots, but then it might out the girl’s identity and I don’t want to be a total dick). I said something along the lines of:

“Had such a great time last night! (insert more small talk about how the great time had must have a correlation between how everyone felt today, etc).” I then eased into asking her to take the picture down. “Hey I don’t mean to be a stickler about Facebook, but I am a manager at my job and friends with my staff on Facebook. It’s not the most flattering picture, plus I look inebriated? Could you take it down? I appreciate it!”. I ended the message by reiterating the good time that was had by all at the party. Then I waited. I had never asked someone to remove a picture of me before, and I actually felt awkward about it.

“Just untag it.” She replied cooly. “I did, but anyone who is friends with us and the others can see it if they click on the album and scroll through.”, I tried to reason. She responded that the best she would do is make the album only visible to HER and all of HER hundreds of Facebook friends, some being mutual friends of mine. She basically insinuated that I was lucky to have her do that for me. I felt my blood pressure start to rise (note: I’m a psycho), “Well okay, but I just don’t like the picture, can you just delete it or crop me out?” (note: there are two people in the background but I was front and center). She then responded that I looked “fun” in the picture. I said if by “fun” she meant “drunk”, then yeah. Fun. She said nothing, so again I tried to reason with her that the picture was just awful and I fucking hated it and it brought up insecurities about me that I hadn’t felt since my first pimple in 6th grade. Still, she wouldn’t delete the picture. I called a mutual friend of ours who happens to be a family member to see if she would ask this chick to take the picture down. At this point, it wasn’t even about the picture anymore and more about this girl being a total weirdo and refusing to take down a picture that someone had asked her to remove. She told my relative (again, can’t say my relation without some outting going on) that she doesn’t delete pictures and the picture isn’t that bad. WHAT THE FUCK?! What do you mean “I don’t delete pictures.” WHY?! Are you a sadist? Is there an evil clown behind you with a gun to your head who says that if you delete pictures then your gray matter will be splattered all over your living room set?! WHY CAN’T YOU DELETE A PICTURE OF SOMEONE YOU PUT UP WHEN SOMEONE REQUESTS IT! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO WEIRD ABOUT THIS!!! Not to mention, we aren’t friends, so it’s not like this girl was just giving me shit all in good fun.

I pondered my options. I really didn’t have any other options and I was too far in not to keep fighting for my privacy/dignity/whatever. So I reported the photo to Facebook, which by the way, isn’t as easy as it sounds. You would think you just click “report” and it would disappear forever (because you can make an internet picture disappear forever, right?! Just like Snap Chat doesn’t own the rights to every dick pic from here to Narnia and your ex deletes your sexts when you break up!). WRONG! Every time I tried to report the picture, Facebook would prompt me to message the girl asking her to remove the picture. They were even nice enough to give me some bogus default blurb like “Hey ____, I don’t like this picture of me. Can you please remove it before I light myself on fire?” Um, but that didn’t work, Facebook, so you can sit down and shut up! The only way I could report the picture was to flag it as pornography. And of course I knew that the Facebook police would see it and deem it not porn but a fugly girl who might be convulsing on some patio furniture.  So yeah, that’s what happened and the Facebook police didn’t remove the picture. Justice not served.

A few minutes after I got word that the picture was not removed, the girl messaged me telling me I was being silly and that God forbid people see me having fun at a party. Sigh. Nothing I could do now but admit defeat and that this bizarre girl now had a picture of me up on her Facebook that I’d asked her to remove and for God knows what reason, she was refusing to remove it. I can only assume she’s keeping it up to be a mean girl, and now I know how bullied people feel. I guess she wins this battle. But her win this time around doesn’t take away from how weird she is for not taking a picture of me off of her Facebook after I asked her nicely. So, enjoy it. Ya weirdo!

My life is a joke.


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