Tuesdays With Molly: Dick Pics & Headaches

23 Jul

Last week I somehow came into some pictures of a famous teen father. Don’t ask me how. Basically they were given to me by a friend of a friend who was cool with me blogging it. At first I was going to write everything about this girl’s (very QUICK) encounter with the guy, but then I got scared of lawsuits. Such is life these days. Everyone always is all “Freedom of speech, GURL! Preach it!”. I get that, but I just don’t want the headache. Plus I’ve *researched (*Googled) “Libel” and it scares me. I’ve had some close calls. Like, one time I Facebook statused about my friends receiving insanely bad service at a local bar and all of a sudden a “lawyer” was inboxing me. Was the guy really a lawyer or was he a coke addicted bouncer at the bar, ten points shy of an Associate’s degree in Criminal Justice? I don’t fucking know. But I do know that I don’t like headaches. Another headachy time I tried to start a jewelry business with my best friend and promote it on my blog UNTIL another jewelry business owner inboxed me saying I was copying her business by using one of the same materials to make the bracelet. It gave me an instant headache so I quit the business after putting a lot of time and effort and money and heart into it. Some would call it “giving up”, but I would call it “HATE headaches”. Luckily the blogging world isn’t quite as cut throat as the customer service/jewelry business so I took it as a sign that my real “place” is here, on the world wide web. With you. Whoever you are. Talking about dick pics. I just have to be careful what I say. Or delete what I say 5 minutes after posting it.

Anyways (TANGENTS!), I can’t blog the teen dad story. But I can blog about dick pics. Because they make me really angry.

Men: This is really important. NO WOMAN WANTS A PICTURE OF YOUR WANG. EVER. It’s really the most atrocious thing I can think of happening to my iphone. The only exception to this is when it’s an ass-clown “celebrity” and we can submit the pictures to TMZ for a profit. Do they really think that they can get away with sending them to a total stranger without some random blogger with an affinity for scandals getting her mitts on them?! Aside from the D-list celeb scenario, I promise all men that when girls receive a picture of it, they are laughing, feeling uncomfortable, showing their girlfriends, judging you, and wondering if you are a sexual deviant/offender. In no particular order. Don’t give me any of that “some people are visual and it turns them on!”. No. Actually, some people think you are doing weird things alone in your room with a fork and a gerbil. I also would assume that guys who send them are recycling these pictures on Craigslist to everyone and their dog (literally).

The worst thing about a dick pic is that whenever I hear about girls getting one, they are always a surprise. Like imagine going to look at your phone and BOOM: SURPRISE WANG TO YOUR FACE AT 3 IN THE AFTERNOON. Afternoon delight? Or afternoon TURKISH delight (Get it? Because Turkish Delight is fucking gross but kind of funny because of it’s reference in Narnia? I don’t get it either). So what did we learn? That unless it’s someone you know actually likes you (and I personally am even opposed to THAT), just stop. They’re all gonna laugh at you.  Or sell it to TMZ.

For now, keep it in your pants and see you next Tuesday!

xoxo MOLLY ❤laugh


One Response to “Tuesdays With Molly: Dick Pics & Headaches”

  1. Maryellen Leith Elrick July 24, 2014 at 1:54 am #

    Nicely said Molly!

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