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Is this Something I have to go to?: My Life Story

4 Dec

Am I the only 20 something who still calls their mom for things they should probably know by now? The two most common examples:

“What is the standard monetary amount for a wedding gift?…….::listens to response::…. REALLY?! Can I just give them my old crockpot and a bottle of Sutter Home instead? Un-fucking-REAL. What if I don’t even like them?! I definitely hate them. Definitely. Is it open bar?”

“Is this something I have to go to?” (“this” usually being a shower or wake for someone we’ve never spoken to). At this point, I have learned that if I have to ask, the answer is yes.

I thought being an adult meant driving, and mac and cheese with champagne for dinner, and a later bedtime. But lately I’m tired at 9pm. What is this shit?! The fact that I would give up my crock pot, the laziest cooking tool miracle thing known to man (or woman, if we are in a sexist mood), speaks volumes. And what I’m trying to speak/scream is: I DON’T FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT. Weddings are one thing. There is alcohol and dancing. I won’t get into wakes, because I don’t like to offend the masses, but at least they are in and out – for the most part. It’s those events that involve daytime mingling that trouble me.

We work all week for our weekends, only for our weekends to be filled with giving people money to be given a plate of  lukewarm eggs and watch them open up diaper genies. Thank God for booze, or I’d have been a total recluse upon receiving my first invitation to something. How awesome would it be if it were socially acceptable to RSVP with “Hey, I can’t make it to your baby shower on Sunday because it’s at 10am in east bum shit, I only know like two other guests and don’t feel like feeling awkward, plus I’m planning in advance for a vino hangover, but thanks for inviting me!”. I would totally be okay with this happening if someone did it to me, because it would give me the pass to reciprocate the favor onto someone else. The knowledge alone that I had the option to do such a thing, would make me a more affable person when I do decide to attend something.

But seriously, I think freeing up our weekends is something we can all get on board with. Let’s utilize the fuck out of that “ship to recipient’s home” feature on the Bed Bath and Beyond website, drink mimosas from home, and be merry! This whole idea doesn’t have to stop at showers. It can be valid for invitations to visit people, lunch dates with people you would like to cut off but can’t because you have family/friend ties to. Game changer, for sure.

I went to about 5 showers this year, and now every single bride or mom whose shower I attended is going to make a smart ass comment next time I see them, and I’m going to have to fake laugh and say “I’m only kidding! Because Molly Said So is a character!!!”. And now they won’t believe me when I say it. I really am my own worst enemy. The horrifying truth is that each year after this, these events will only increase! We as woman, need to stop this. Before 30% of our freedom is spent eating danish in function rooms filled with food warmers, and Pinterest ideas involving lemons and water. You can call me a bitter bitch. But just wait until you are in the midst of a dry baby shower for a coworker.

You’re welcome.

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