2014: A Year In Review

30 Dec


So much happened.

I laughed. I cried. I got 5 (ish) debilitating hangovers (that’s great!). I got a dog and put a bandana on her. I had my nana over for tea and had to purchase new tea because the old tea was expired. I got disappointed that I didn’t get a glass animal figure in my Salada tea box (happened the same day I had my nana over for tea). I bought a house in a town that is a “downgrade”. I repinned 63 inspirational quotes on Pinterest while I was buzzed in my bed. I went to work and didn’t check in on Facebook.

Those were just some highlights. Now let me get to the important shit. HERE is what I LEARNED in 2014:

1. I have more of a crush on Mark Cuban than I do on Leonardo Dicaprio’s bun. This was a hard one for me. I have loved Leo since he was Jim Carroll playing Russian Roulette with a plethora of downers on the basketball court in The Basketball Diaries. I have not loved Leonardo Dicaprio’s bun since he was probably unshowered/on a plethora of downers (&/or uppers) at Coachella. Mark Cuban however, said in an interview that he was naked and jumping up and down at his computer when his numbers hit the billion dollar range. Billionaire > Leo’s Bun.

BUT Billionaire also is lesser or equal value to Leo in general. So, yeah. Math!


2. Didn’t get pregnant. 

“Any babies coming?!” -People at Christmas.

“Got a puppy. Maybe I’ll go to Ireland. Not sure.” -Me at Christmas.

3. Stepped in shit (3 times) (Dog shit. Not human shit. THANK GOD.). I haven’t stepped in shit since 1994-95. Dead serious. I don’t jump in leaves, I don’t walk on the grass part of the sidewalk. I don’t go for strolls at Pageant Field, in the field, or anywhere in the surrounding area, unless I’m at the Flag Day fireworks in 2003. I just don’t. So why would I realistically step in poo? Well, because I got a dog, and now I have stepped in shit 3 times. I forgot what it was like, honestly. It’s really hard to get the smell off your shoes, no matter how many times you clean them with acid. And like, stepping in a puddle like mom always told you to do, doesn’t do much. You need to get a stick and, like, pick it out if you really want to fix the problem. Sometimes grass gets involved, somehow making it worse. And is picking shit out of your boot really worth it? No. So you leave the boots on your back porch and go through the front door, praying that you’ll be inspired to clean it before your mom sees it.

This was one of the lows of 2014. Let’s go back to the positive.


4. Bought brie. Usually Con Queso is fine for girl’s night. But really, it’s not. It’s basically telling your friends that they’re worth $3.99 with a Stop and Shop card. I still love it (because I’m so “down to earth”, and “humble”, and “poor”), but I want my friends to know that they are actually worth $7.99 at Fresh Market, where I assume no discount cards are offered. Brie is real mature.


5. Put a Santa hat on my dog. 

Okay, another low point, so I’m going to stop here. You aren’t missing out, since the only other significant thing I can think of that has happened this year occurred an hour ago when I cried watching Inside Edition (aka developed EMPATHY whilst watching montages of strangers opening Christmas gifts).

Happy New Year!!!


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