Causes I Would Chain Myself To A Concrete Barrel For

16 Jan

As we all know, the protesters who chained their arms to each other in a barrel, then poured 1200 pounds of concrete in the barrel, then plopped themselves on the expressway in 20 degree weather during the morning commute as tens of thousand commuters yelled “fuck you!” at them, then got the concrete chopped off with chainsaws and chisels by the cops on live television, then got arrested, then admitted to wearing adult diapers during the whole process, then got meme’d like no other on the internet, have kind of lost their direction. No one knows what is really going on at this point. Is this about equality? Is this about the police? Is this about guns? Is this about violence? Is this about white privilege? I don’t know. All I saw were a bunch of dirty hippies wearing weird hats and purple puffy jackets getting flipped off by every Masshole in America.

This got me thinking…what do I, a white-privileged-Millennial-sometimes-asshole-with-an-affinity-for-brunching-on-a-budget, stand for? What would I concrete glue myself to an inanimate object at the risk of being meme’d via side by side with fictional McDonald’s characters and cast members of Salute Your Shorts for? Would I agree to a live Awful Waffle on Good Morning America in the name of bullying? No. Absolutely not. But there are some things I believe in…and I would be willing to take one for the team for any of them. Just not on the weekends/weather permitting/evenings when my shows are on.

Here are some of those things:

1. Not having to pretend to care about peoples’ babies. Okay, that’s mean. How about not having to pretend to care about SOME peoples’ babies? (most)

2. The concept of bottomless mimosas.

3. The concept of bottomless everything other than bottomless Olive Garden.

4. The ban of purple puffy jackets. Unless you’re 6 years old. I guess…

5. My dog. Like, if someone kidnapped her or some shit.

6. Whatever cause Lisa Vanderpump asks me to concrete-attach myself to. Metaphorically.

That’s it.

No seriously, that’s it. I’d only concrete myself to someone/thing for those 6 causes. But then again, who really wants to get meme’d that badly?

Now if you’ll excuse me, How It’s Made is on and the soothing/informative voice of that fox of a narrator is about to tell me how to make a boomerang.

Dueces, Donkey Lips!




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