Roof Rakes & Complaints

13 Feb

I’ve lived in New England my entire life. Minus some vacations I’ve barely left! Thought I knew everything there was to know about surviving in New England. All the basics like: make sure to eat clam chowder before your meal so you don’t die, make sure to call your mom “Ma!!!!!” in a screaming voice, don’t look anyone in the eye on public transportation, and never forget to get drunk if you need to go outside at all. But I am really learning some shit after the last two weeks of daily historic blizzards.

First of all, what the fuck are ice dams?! Everyone is like “woah, new homeowner alert, you don’t know what ice dams are?! What an idiot! Hey everyone, check out this idiot who doesn’t understand gutter ice!!!”. Well, you could have just called it gutter ice and it would have made sense with no explanation or Googling needed. And yeah, I definitely have some ice in every gutter on my house. Cool. So what am I told to do by everyone who isn’t an idiot? Buy a roof rake. Easy enough if they aren’t sold out everywhere and no one will accept my trade of some Bud Lights, jäger, and a forged autographed by Tiffani Amber Thiessen season 1 of Saved by the Bell in turn for a used roof rake. Their loss. Next advice was to pour some sodium chloride in a pair of pantyhose and throw it on the roof to like, form a channel for water to stream off the roof, or something. Straight poor people shit. But that’s how New England rolls right now. Oh, and I’m poor now.

So I go ahead and throw some blue crystal meth lookin’ rocks into some nylons. I need to mention that it’s really ironic how easy it is to get a run in your nylons when you’re at an important event, but purposely ripping them in half is like pulling out your own tooth with a pair of kid’s lefty scissors! After I am done playing arts and crafts with sodium chloride and L’eggs, I realize my husband won’t be home for hours and I need to get shit done on my own. This made me cry for a minute because I miss my mom and dad and also I wanted to spend my evening catching up on my shows. I also typically avoid outdoors from November through May-ish, especially when it comes to roof climbing and slinging foreign objects onto them like it’s some kind of drinking game. But I had to man up so that my house doesn’t blow up with water or whatever. I put on Ryan’s way too big snow pants, because I only wear snow pants when I ski once a decade and have no clue where my snow gear is, then was out the door.

Looking as manly as possible, I threw a ladder and my dignity onto a 9 foot snow pile on my front lawn and leaned it against my fence and just like, tossed myself onto the mound like me and the mound were both made of velcro, and climbed up. Then I utilized my tools (a shitty metal rake thing that has been in my family since 1992. My mom gave it to me to remove icicles, along with a framed picture of Jesus to decrease my chances of water damage?), and started bashing icicles off my house like that shitty metal rake was a machete. I then realized I wouldn’t need the ladder to deal with the ice dams because the snow was frozen solid and I could reach the roof by simply standing on the highest point. For a moment I felt a sense of smugness that I wasn’t sinking into the snow, and gave myself a pat on the back for routinely going to the gym. Yes, nothing tastes as good as not sinking into a mountain of snow in your front yard feels. I forgot to mention that this entire time I had the two anti-ice dam meth-filled pantyhose inside my North Face jacket. I was holding onto those two babies like I was Indiana Jones holding the magical stones that for some bizarre reason keeps the whole 3rd world village together in the temple of fucking Doom. I never got that, why did 3 stones prevent the village from ruin? Like, why if you lose even one of these stones do all of the children get kidnapped and enslaved by Nazi-esque dudes in weird hats who throw people into fire pits? Also: Temple of Doom was my favorite Indiana Jones flick, hands down. Maybe because of Short Round. No, 100% because of Short Round.


Anyways, I put the meth pantyhose on the roof the way I was instructed to do so, with them hanging over the roof little bit. I guess it’s working, because the snow melted around it, and some water is streaming down. But the only question I have is : how come mine look like dicks?IMG_1889


One Response to “Roof Rakes & Complaints”

  1. Lisa Daria February 15, 2015 at 3:18 am #

    The same thing happened to me on the way to my ice dam (s) – your writing is spot on – thanks for this tonight – now off to throw myself once again at Mother Nature’s mercy or else I’m dousing her fury with blue ice melt (pet safe, I doubt it. . . )

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