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When Guys Go Food Shopping

18 Feb

The other night on the way home from the gym, my husband and I had to stop by Stop and Shop to pick up a few things. Not wanting to make my workout null and void by purchasing every single thing in the store, I decided to wait in the car. I gave him a pep talk before going in: “We need Kcups and milk. Those are the two key items. You can do this!”. He looked somewhat apprehensive for a guy who is probably one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. And I’m not just saying that because I married him, he’s a really smart guy. We were in the same Chemistry class in high school and the teacher would ask him to get up in front of the class to explain things the rest of us idiots didn’t understand. Like, what the fuck is Rubidium? My future husband knew, and I was just probably stoned in the back of the room playing Snake on someone’s Nokia.  I like to think the teacher was just being a cougar creep, but deep down I know he’s just smarter than me at Chemistry – and the fact that I dropped that class hints towards that being true. It’s just these random menial bullshit housework-type tasks that dumb guys down to cavemen-like mentality. I’ll never understand it.

Anyways, he went in solo and a few minutes later came back and proudly announced that he not only got the Kcups, but they were on sale. Good for you! You not only got us Kcups on sale, but you earned us some gas points. Now let’s go home because my shows start in 12 minutes and we still need to pick up some wine.

Fast forward to the following morning when I went to make myself a cup of coffee before heading out to work. I grabbed the unopened Kcup box and glanced at it, to see what flavor my husband had picked out. This is what I read on the box “Artificial Cappuccino Flavored Drink Mix”. Stop and Shop brand. Obviously. I checked the back to read the ingredients, praying to see the word “caffeine” written somewhere. The only key words signaling that there might be caffeine in this “drink mix” was “instant coffee”. I made peace with the fact that I’d be making an extra stop on my way to work and jokingly texted my husband about his choice in “coffee”. His response: “That’s what you get for making me go in the supermarket alone”.

And you know what? He’s right. What the hell was I thinking?! You can’t just send your husband into the supermarket! Unless of course you want the following real list of things my own husband has bought when he has gone grocery shopping:

  • 23 Celeste pizzas on sale for $1.
  • 20 pack of Red Bull.
  • Twizzlers.
  • Twizzlers Pull N Peel.
  • Totino’s “Pizza Party” pizza (when he goes food shopping at Walgreen’s, this is his go-to. Yes, entire food order at Walgreen’s, you read that correctly).
  • 5 Jimmy Dean Meat Lover’s Breakfast Bowls.
  • 1 box Eggo Sausage Egg & Cheese sandwiches.
  • 1 box Jimmy Dean Sausage Egg & Cheese sandwiches (because let’s try all the frozen breakfast sandwich brands, then review them?)
  • Fruity Pebbles.
  • Cocoa Pebbles.
  • Whey Protein.
  • Deli meat (just enough for 5 sandwiches for his work week).
  • Toilet paper (goes hand in hand, hand to ass rather, with literally everything else on this list).
  • Special K cereal bars (what the fuck? You going to have that as a snack in between your Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles marathon? Is that when it’s time to get healthy?)

That’s all. That’s his grocery list. The up side is that it’s kind of endearing AND I stick to the straight oatmeal diet until I can get out and purchase some real food. Anything to help you shed some pounds, am I right?! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to my delicious Cappuccino inspired drink mix before it gets cold.

jimmy

Twizzlers_Pull_n_Peel_Candy_CherryToiletpapier_(Gobran111)

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