Textually Frustrated

25 Feb

I’m not single. And sometimes when I’m with my single friends, and hear what they sometimes have to deal with, I feel guilty about that. You know, when they aren’t doing whatever they please because they aren’t cooking Shake N Bake chicken for their husband who is working the overnights this week. I don’t even know who I am anymore. But the shit that girls (and guys…I guess) on the dating scene have to deal with makes me anxious. I am one of the “lucky ones” (I quoted that based on what some of this population of late 20’s women seems to want, I am not saying “lucky” based on my own view of “it happens when it happens if you want it to happen”), who by the grace of Tupac up above found someone who is psycho enough to get married under 30 (or at all), and despite what my mom tells me in birthday cards, I am not married due to any particularly charming personality traits that I exhibit. I just found someone whom I find somewhat difficult to get sick of, to take me on before my single friends found someone to take them on, and vice versa, because men can be projects. And by “can be” I mean they are.

As for me? I’m a stubborn bitch 4 out of 7 days, impulsive, a wino, complainy, easily stressed out, unrelenting, and I have a hard time pretending to be interested in stories that I find boring. That last one sounds like a joke but I find it so impressive when people can listen to boring stories and look enthralled, because it is extremely difficult to feign interest without my eyes glazing over. I also get really bad sleep paralysis and tell my husband that if he hears me heavy breathing next to him in bed, to shake me because I’m awake but temporarily paralyzed and the heavy/fast breathing is a cry for help because I can’t speak. I mean, that might weird some people out, not sure? Sounds kind of like baggage to me. My husband is just a freak with a stubborn-bitch-temporary-paralysis-wino fetish. This whole paragraph is starting to feel very long and negative and is also becoming a tangent about all things wrong with me and who wants to do that?! The point of this paragraph: I am no more special than my friends or anyone who haven’t found someone yet (and WANT to, just to be clear). It just happened to me first, which sounds cool if you’re competitive. But it actually just made me pave the way for expectations in bridesmaid choice. Sucks, actually.

So why do I feel so bad for single people these days? Mainly because of one of my own favorite modes of communication: texting. It’s awesome because it helps us get out of any unwanted chit chat. Don’t want to talk to someone longer than absolutely necessary? Send them a “K”. Don’t want to be too cold about it? Send them a “Kk!”. How very cutesy. Straight to the point. That is also why it is terrifying in the dating world.

Okay, I am going to explain a scenario as a Girl may see it from a textual point of view. Because I like to think that I have 27 years of being a girl and might have a little bit of insight.

Girl goes online. Signs up for Match. Girl sees Guy who is kind of hot in his default picture. (At this point, anyone who says that some level of physical attraction isn’t important or that it’s shallow can stop reading this and perhaps play a game of real life Solitaire, alone instead). Girl knows this picture is the best picture Guy has at the moment (as Guy also knows about Girl, no double standards here!). Girl hopes Guy reaches out because Lord knows she will. Guy reaches out after 3 days. Girl and Guy make plans to meet. They are both already out on a limb (recall that they know each other’s pictures are the best ones they own, so they don’t even know if they are being duped on a physical level).  Guy and Girl have good time, with some awkwardness at the beginning that decreases as the drinks go down. Or maybe just one had a good time, or neither. Guy and Girl depart from one another, no promises made, just the impression they get from each other that it SEEMED like a good time was had by both. Or the impression that the feeling was not mutual, or that both think it went horribly. Girl goes home. Girl waits. Or doesn’t wait, but shrugs it off and doesn’t care, in which case she has to start over because she doesn’t care to know Guy based on Date #1. Girl might hear via text  that Guy had a wonderful time, feelings are mutual,  causing new plans to be made. Girl might hear that Guy had a wonderful time and still never see him again, not knowing if Guy was lying about having a good time. Girl might not hear from Guy ever again and can only speculate why. Girl might go out with Guy again and hear nothing after the 2nd date this time. Or 4th date. Girl might get texts after 11pm. Girl knows what Guy wants and ignores. No matter what the outcome is, the likelihood of it fizzling is greater than marriage in more of the instances than one. But that’s what dating around is for, to potentially find someone, unless one is looking for fun. Either way, Guy has no obligation to let Girl know what is going on or how he feels. Girl must wait it out no matter if a good time was had by none, one, or both. And if she doesn’t care to wait, then she starts the cycle again with a new Guy. Or she doesn’t. Who knows.

It’s a stressful and confusing pattern. Actually, it’s the opposite of a pattern. When people meet each other online, the only thing they are going off of is probably a deceiving picture and a short description of how the other person wants a potential mate (or at least fling) to view them. They have no idea what the other really wants. Then after they put themselves out there, there is either not caring and moving on, or waiting on the response from the other. While they might be polite during the initial date, they are both supposed to be on their best behaviors, causing the other to get a false impression of how the other felt about the experience. And if it went shitty, they might have no idea. They’ll find out from textual silence. Let’s not forget the ZERO OBLIGATION to one another. Assuming they have zero mutual friends, acquaintances, coworkers, ties to the other…if one feels they don’t want to talk to the other again, they don’t have to because there will be no repercussions. And why? It could be because Guy hated Girl’s personality/goals/lifestyle/face. Or Girl didn’t like Guy’s lack of resume, or the fact that he says “Fair enough” too much, or he lives at home. Could be a legit reason, or something total superficial and bullshit. Maybe Guy never texted because he got back together with an ex. Maybe a family member got sick. And Girl will go on questioning if she had something in her teeth.

When I was single, I liked my husband before he liked me. He says other wise, but I know from the stalking that is FALSE.  Maybe rather than “I liked him first” I should say I acknowledged and confronted my feelings before he did, because common sense told me there was no way anyone would invest the time and effort he did in me while we were “talking”. While we saw each other all the time in person, with friends, we were careful about getting together at first due to complicated issues surrounding one of our ex’s, so we had a text thing going on for not even kidding, about a year before we got together. No, not sexting. Pervs. We just texted all the time and communicated about our status mostly through text because it felt safer. This year made me fucking BATSHIT. From days of entire paragraph texting to a week of just one word responses, hot and cold BULLSHIT. One day I texted him “ALL DONE! CAN’T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE! BYE FELICIA” (may have changed that a little, but that’s how I remember it now). The texting was making me think we were more. It was confusing me. Were we, or weren’t me?!?! I guess we were because we are married now and text only to ask if the other has fed the dog yet. Unless he just really wanted me to be his friend forever…

But it was different for us compared to the online singles or the singles that don’t know each other otherwise, because we were friends and had all the same friends and we owed it to each other and to our friends not to be total dicks because no one wants any awkward. There were repercussions for us. And even though our situation wasn’t as frustrating as it would be for others, it was enough for me to make me nuts.

Texting. There has to be an easier way! But at the same time, texting is so much fucking easier than waiting for a call on the landline and dealing with call waiting problems. Who had dating worse? Us with texting, or them with boom boxes and the “Hold on, I have a beep”‘s?! Sound off in the comments! Or don’t…I REFUSE TO WAIT!



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