The Problem With Pants

19 Mar

I’ve recently come to the realization that it has been about 5 years since I was a regular pants-wearer. That’s because for the past 5 years I’ve been addicted to leggings. I am starting to wonder if I will ever wear real pants for more than one consecutive day again. It’s a thought that would keep me up at night, if I cared about what people thought of my fashion sense, and if I didn’t love leggings so much. This isn’t some bullshit either. I truly and honestly wear leggings EVERY DAY. I’m not just one of those people who say they wear leggings every day just to say it. “Those people” probably being the same people who complain that they definitely failed a test, only to reveal that they got a 99% when they get their score. I’m the real deal every day legging wearer.

WHY LEGGINGS? Well, I’ll tell you why.

Leggings are wonderful because they give you a feeling of pantlessness that no other leg-wear can accomplish. There are no restrictions whatsoever in leggings. You can do weird and unnatural movements in leggings, and it’s almost as if you are doing those weird and unnatural movements sans any pants at all. You can lunge from room to room if you want to, and it will feel like you are nude from the waste down. But…you’re not. It’s so freeing. You can also work out in your leggings, and sleep in your leggings, and get high in your leggings!

Leggings are an excellent pants alternative for poor people because they are cheaper than regular pants. If you wear the same jeans every day, people will start to notice and think you’re a poor scrub. Cue the bullying. But when you wear leggings every day, people will just assume that you have a shit ton of leggings!

Leggings are so versatile. You can wear them in black for a basic and slimming effect, or you can be a little crazy and wear a pair of Aztec leggings. As long as you don’t wear flesh colored leggings, cat, cheeseburger, faux denim, or space leggings, you can always be somewhat fashionable on the cheap! When you wear leggings, your footwear options also expand. You don’t have to worry about shoving excess denim into your boots with leggings. Leggings fit into any boot!

When you get an awkwardly placed hole in your jeans, you can’t wear them anymore (even though we all sometimes buy jeans with rips in them on purpose). When you get a tear in your leggings, you take a black Sharpie and color in your skin. Boom! No more tear! And if the tear expands, you can just spend 7 bucks on more leggings, OR Sharpie your entire thigh! No one will know, I swear!

With leggings you don’t feel as fat as you are, although you might look fatter than you are to the random passerby. You can eat whatever you want freely without having to unzip your fly for some breathing room. Your muffin top will sit comfortably tucked away under an elastic band.

The legging lifestyle is how I live. It’s a way of being. Being pretty lazy. But free. And that’s all an American such as myself can ask for. Some people are meth heads. Some people are hippies. Some people are yuppies. Some are yogis. Some are Jewish. Me? I’m a legging’er. Sometimes I think to myself, what if I AM leggings? Just a pair of black leggings, drifting through life without a care. Like a rolling stone. Like a plastic bag drifting in the wind. Like a virgin kissed for the very first time. Like a G6.

Live free in leggings or die of discomfort in slacks. Just try not to get your dick stuck in the zipper.jeans


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